Because...

There's something I really want to post right now, but I can't. I know people will judge me. Sometimes, I hate humans.Why do we judge someone so harshly on their actions? Can't we just understand each other. Uggghh, emotions....hard stuff. I shouldn't think too much.

I can't say what I want to say here. I just want to say that I wish people would't judge me on MY life. They can have their ways, but don't try to say MY ways are wrong.

Fin.

Stonewall Keshia

Okay, so honesty time here. The first movie I ever cried during was the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I was about thirteen years old and Bailey was dying. The thing that I still don't get today is that I knew it was coming; I had been the one who had read the book series a year before and dragged my mom and sister out to the movies theater to watch the movie. I knew Bailey was going to die. But yet, it took me by surprise and it made my heart clench. When Bailey tried on the pants and recorded the message for her, I felt like I was dying too. So I cried, like I was a little baby again, and the screen in front of me went blurry. After that I cried at a lot of movies and series. I cried during one of my favorite animes because the ending was so happy. I even cried during Ice Princess.
The thing about crying in public during movies, books, or TV shows is that it just happens. In any other situation in life where I cry, whether I'm upset or angry, I can feel my tears coming. My chin will shake and my eyes will burn, I know I'm gonna cry. Most of the time it gives me a good warning and I have time to abandon ship and run away. But when I cry over things like movies I never know it's gonna happen. I never feel it and most of the time I'm surprised when tears start to run down my face. Crying like that is like a whole new emotion built up inside of me that just comes spilling out. And what I don't get it that when I cry like that it feels the most surreal, the most prominent of pure tears and yet it's always over fictional characters. It's over a world that's not real.
Back then is when I first got the idea in my head that any work of fiction that can move me to tears must be something that is brilliant. Anything that brings out that emotion in me must be great. I still believe that today.
But I was younger then, and now it's different. The only two movies I've allowed myself to publicly cry during in the last two years have been Toy Story 3 and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. One, because it was a literal interpretation growing up, and the other because I literally felt like my childhood was dying. And I really hated crying during those movies, I really did. I hated that unknown emotion in me that came out.
Somewhere along my path of life I decided I wanted to be a stonewall. No emotion. I'm not sure when it happened, only that I wanted it and I still want it. To me, it makes no sense to be a stone wall, but it also makes no sense to have emotions.
Most of the world sees emotions as stupid, whether they want to admit it or not. If a teenage girl is crying over her boyfriend who just dumped her, well that's stupid. If a wife is crying over her husband who is dying of cancer, well it's not. What I don't understand are the different levels of emotions, the different levels of grief. In what moments are you justified to cry? Who judges that, really? Can't a human being just be sad when they want to be sad and happy when they want to be happy? It's not like we're all carbon copies, it's not like you stab us once and we all cry. Some people can be stabbed 1000 times and not shed a tear and others can fall apart at the slightest touch. That's actually one of the few things that has pisses me off most in the world. I've been told, on more than one occasion, that I need to get on medicine to control my emotions. And all I can think when people tell me that is what the fuck? Really, are emotions not allowed anymore? I just don't get it. Would the world rather me be a person who has emotions and cares about things or a person who is a stonewall and doesn't give a shit. Because, I always seemed to be pulled in two opposite directions, and no matter how hard I try I can't find a middle ground. I have no urge to find a middle ground.
I know that's one of the reasons I love acting. With acting you have to be dramatic, you have to have emotions. That's why it's called drama. And no one will judge you for that, you're being a character. Someone who is allowed to have emotions. No one things wrong of you for that, they just enjoy the performance.
There's a lot I don't understand about emotions. I don't even know how to act half the time. Actually more than half. What does the world expect of me and what do I even expect of myself? How would I even know what I expect of myself  when I've lived in a world for eighteen years who tells me the opposite of everything everyday.
Emotions. You didn't make flag captain. You're stupid, a failure, not smart enough to get anywhere in this world. A selfish bitch. You got a lead role. Other people are better than you. You need to quit band. You have to change yourself for me. We're moving, you choose what you want. Wrong decisions, idiot. You fucked up, ruined everything. Can you be anymore stupid? Senior Superlative. I'm dissapointed in you. The only person in this world you care about is yourself. I'm proud of you. You're getting away from them, the only white sheep in the family of black sheep. We all love you. You graduated. You have no choice but say goodbye. You're free, have fun. I don't want to be your friend anymore. You can't live here anymore. You can't go to college anymore. You fucked up your life, I told you not to cry to me. What's your problem. Why?Why?Why? We all  missed you, so much. Never leave again. I really like you. What's your purpose in life? Why did you do this to yourself? Do you ever think about other people? Selfish Bitch.
Someone told me that they don't think anyone ever understands themselves. I know I don't and I'm years away, and I probably won't for the rest of my life.

Fin.

Teachers > Insects

So, on Buffy the Vampire Slayer Episode 4 Season 1 an odd praying mantis monster posed as a very 'sexy' science teacher who likes to make love and then rip off the heads of her male students is 'slayed.' But I'm not going to talk about bug lady. Before she posed as a human she murdered Buffy's original science teacher, which is why it was easy for her to land the job. Buffy had a very good science teach, no scratch that, a great science teacher. Even in truth he was just a paid actor acting the role of a very great science teacher.
Now I don't have a very good perspective on science teachers. I try to, but in truth there are only certain fields of science I am interested in, and the others, well, bore me to ears. My science teachers over the past few years have leveled somewhere from unreasonably bad to okay. And I'm not talking about their methods of teaching, they were all pretty good teachers, I'm talking about their attitudes about teaching.

Now as a person who is currently not enrolled in any form of education system I think I can properly rant.

As any Buffy fan would know when Buffy came to Sunnydale she had quite the colorful permanent record. Any true Buffy fan would know that the entire series of Buffy is actually based off of a movie that came in the 80's with the same title and the series picks up where the movie ended (Buffy burning down the school gym which was full of vampires) even though originally Sarah Michelle Gellar did not play our most favorite Slayer. But, back on subject. When Buffy came to Sunnydale all the teachers shunned her and thought her a bad seed because of her record. But her science teacher, before being eaten by the giant praying mantis, told Buffy not to let other people's opinions of her bring her down and that she could rise to be whatever she wanted to be.Now, those are the types of teachers I like. That's how I think all teachers should be. I myself want to be a teacher but it seems that world is lacking on teachers like that and it really discourages me.

Essentially the teacher should be a person who wants to, well, teach. I believe that another essential part of being a teacher is seeing the potential in each and every student and no matter how big or small that potential may be then they should encourage and push that student towards their potential. I've never understood how teachers can teach with an attitude of dislike and resentment toward their students.

Let's take one of my previous science teachers, for example. She was a great teacher, had an awesome teaching method and has been working for many years. But she wasn't, in my mind, a good teacher. She wasn't what a teacher should be. She had a great passion for science, I respected that. I respect anyone who is in love with what they do for a living. But the problem was, she only cared for science and nothing else. When I told her I wanted to study English she almost scoffed at me. But when other students revealed that they wanted to go into fields that involved a lot of science she greeted them with smiles and open arms. I didn't do well in her class, I stayed after for tutoring multiple times and I still only scraped by. I remember one day that she pulled me after class and showed me the latest test that I had performed very poorly on. She told me was dissapionted in me and couldn't understand how I didn't understand things as I had stayed the day before for a very long session of tutoring.

My whole point is that I don't want to be a teacher like that. She made no effort to understand me or really help me with what I needed help with me. And worst of  all she never encouraged me, she never saw my potential. She only saw and kid who liked reading books and writing and who could never fit into her close-minded world of science. Instead, I want to be a teacher like the paid actor in the Buffy series. I want to be a teacher who sees greatness for everyone and helps them achieve that greatness no matter the circumstances.

In the end though, the insect lady wasn't even very sexy. She only attracted guys because she was all covered in pheromones, which for you people who are really science illiterate, is a chemical released by many females of the animal species that attracts the opposite sex.

Fin.

On Washington

"Maybe it was like gathering your strength and hurling yourself against a door you believed to be locked, and then the door easily opens-it wasn't locked at all-and you're standing looking in the room, trying to remember what it was that you thought you wanted."

That, my friends, is a quote from Curtis Sittenfeld, one of my favorite authors of all time. And that also describes my feelings about moving to Washington perfectly. I posted that quote as my FB status a month or so ago when I started to have doubts about Washington. No, let me rephrase, I had doubts about Washington long before that. My doubts started long before I even got on the plane and probably lodged themselves in my brain that night one week before I was leaving and I sat in my aunt and uncle's garage crying my eyes and asking my cousin what the hell I had done with my life.

I knew I chose Washington. It was my choice, I was just heavily misguided by the prospect of a easy and happy life. I  thought of the opportunity to get out of the big city and see somewhere new. It was kind of a glimmering idea. But I forgot that it was my life and it my life there was never an easy or happy ending. So I turned down my scholarships, my only means of going to college here in Alabama, and clung unto the promises of people who turned out to be liars. I was stupid.

So when things screwed up I knew I had to go to Washington. It was either that or take a year off from college. I have never wanted to take a year off from college, I couldn't imagine a life without some sort of education present in it everyday.

But the thing is, I was still excited. I knew it was going to be hard but I was excited. Who wouldn't be? I think the prospect of going to or seeing a new place would be exciting to any human being. It's just in our nerves, newness usually brings along the prospect of excitement.  So I left, I said goodbye to all my friends. I rode a place for the first time, saw a really big city, saw mountains up close and personal, found a job, and in general felt pretty great about myself. I was taking something that I thought would suck and turn it around. I felt like I was living my own life, a life of freedom where I had no one controlling me. I was independent, I loved it. But the thing is, it barely stayed that way. Three weeks, maximum, I'd have to say, three weeks before I started missing everything.

That's the thing about missing people, it's really hard. Some of my friends still talked to me, other forgot I existed, and some even decided they never wanted to talk to me again. But regardless of their choices I missed them all. And some of them let me know they missed me. I would tell them I missed them but somehow I don't think they really understood, though. You see while they said they missed me but at lest they had other people there, other friends they look to. I had no one. And I doubt I've ever made a huge impact on anyone's life, so I felt like half the time when people told me they missed me that they were telling me just to tell me. But I was there, thinking half the time, sitting at the bus stop with cars passing by me and and old guys on my left rambling on about how late the bus was. There was times like that when I could close my eyes, bend my head down , block everything else out and almost feel like I was in Alabama again. But then I'd have to open my eyes, and I wouldn't be in Alabama, I'd be in Washington with the same question always eating at my stomach, what the hell am I doing here?

That's when more problems presented themselves, and I think they did it at just the right time, just at the peak of my doubt. I didn't get along with my landlady, she made it very clear that she didn't like me and living with a person everyday that didn't like you isn't a very pleasant thing. So I started talking to people, my cousin Lisa specifically. Lisa lived in Olympia, about three miles away from my current home. She listened to my problems with my landlady and offered up her place. I could move there, but I'd have to take a semester off college. So I looked up colleges in her area and everything seemed like it may get a little better. I'd be moving in with someone familiar who wouldn't make me pay as many bills and who actually liked me. The only sacrifice would be to take a semester off from college. Let's go back to the point where I can't imagine my life without education. It seemed like a big sacrifice but I was willing to take it. In truth I was that lonely. It's terrible to admit but in those few months I had only two friends, TWO friends. I knew I wasn't good at making friends but it was hard. I'm shy, no matter how much people wanted to believe it. And even with those tow friends I knew I could never be as close to them as my old friends, they would never know me like the friends I had. It was the realization of that fact that made me realize how lonely I was in Washington. And loneliness like that, it's kind of crippling. You see, because even of you go through life with everything okay when you feel that lonely, and I've never felt that way my entire life,  then everything seems pointless. My friends are the reason for most of my happiness and I needed them.

So I thought, why take a semester off, why not take a whole year? I really didn't feel like starting college in the middle of the year anyway. So I talked to my aunt and uncle and made the arrangements and then bought a plane ticket. And now I'm back in Alabama. And people may not understand my reasoning, people may tell me I'm stupid for taking a year off or just whiny or something, but I don't care. You see the reason I went to Washington  the reason I made that mistake is because I let people influence me. So along with choosing to come back to Alabama I also decided I was going to make my own choices now. I'm not going to let other people make me ruin myself again.

And just to be clear, for all those who thought my prank was true, I am not moving back because I'm pregnant.

Fin.
-Keshia

(500) Days of Summer

Last Night I watched (500) Days of Summer for the first time. Even though I've never watched the movie before I've been obsessed with it. Why? And how is that possible? Well, basically the soundtrack for this movie is an indie music lover's dream. I love listening to the various songs from the soundtrack like Sweet Disposition, She's Got You High, or Sugartown. So yesterday I was sitting there and listening to one of the soundtracks as usual, and the song was playing off an music video of the movie, and wondering why I had never actually watched the movie. So I decided to watch it.

Let's just say, I'm hooked, I love the movie. And I have some thoughts on it. Even though the movie was seen mostly from Tom's perspective, and we're supposed to feel bad for him, all sappy and in love. I did feel bad for him, but I related more to Summer. In the movie the character of Summer believes love is a myth and that while you're young you shouldn't be held down and you should just have fun. I really get that. That's completely what I believe. I'm not sure at what point in this society that casual dating was eliminated but at some point it was. I mean, now a days you have to be labeled, are you a couple or not. What my "problem" is and I think Summer's was, was that with a label of couple of being in a relationship also comes the commitment. The idea of commitment to me is terrifying. I really can't imagine being with the same person for the rest of my life. I guess I haven't found that special person yet, heck, I'm eighteen, I hope not. But still, I think even in seven years or so the idea of being committed to someone will scare me. But I get her, I get Summer. In the end someone's emotions are going to be stronger than the other, it's always that way. And when they make those stronger emotions present it's either going to do one of two things, either a) scare the other person, make them feel uncomfortable, and put them on the spot to feel those emotions back or b) make them realize how much the other person cares and realize they don't feel those emotions yet but they will grow into them so they lie for the moment and wait. Very rarely do two people feel the same level of feeling toward each other. And when they do then that's fate, that's them being meant to be. But the hard part comes with keeping those emotions lasting forever, that's why commitment is such a bad thing, it tests people and most of the time people fail. Summer, like I myself, is in the option a territory. I've never felt that strongly about a person and if I learn they feel that way toward me then I just automatically feel uncomfortable. I mean, how can you handle a situation like that? Unless of course you find someone perfect who will understand but let's face the facts, humans are greedy and a person who is deeply infatuated just isn't going to understand why that infatuation isn't returned. For me the end result is usually me breaking up with a person because simply because they cared for me too much. And I know that's terrible, and I hurt people. And that's the exact opposite of what I want to do, I don't want to hurt people. That's why I hate relationships, that's why I want casual dating to come back again in this world. The words 'I love you' are really terrifying, you know.

Also, speaking of summer, the real summer, like the season, has gone by extremely fast this year. It's turning into fall already. I've never loved summer, in fact, it's typically my least favorite season. But this summer has gone by so fast that I feel like I missed it. I want it back. It has also been one of the least eventful summers of my entire life, which makes less sense. Isn't time supposed to fly by when you're having fun? Not when you're boring. I mean, other than moving thirteen states away I really haven't done anything this summer. I've worked, sat at home, or went to Hmart with Amanda. I want my summer back.

But right now I have a Mindy Gledhill playlist on and I'm going to finish listening to it and either nap or continue my earlier task. Fin.

-Keshia

I need my sleep but I'm too scared of UFO's...

Right now it's late, no it feels late. In reality it's only nine something. To an eight year old Keshia that would be infinitely late. To an eighteen year old Keshia it's early. I still remember the first time I asked my Mom if I could stay up pass my bed time of nine o'clock. She didn't even realize I had been going to sleep at this time ever since it had been my bedtime in kindergarten. So much for caring. After that my bed time was abolished and I learned to love the night life...and adultswim. It was also after this that I started taking naps. I had never taken naps as a kid, aside from when I was a baby and it was like, essential to take naps. But no bedtime meant I had to make up for the lost hours, so I usually conked out for an hour or so after school. It was also around this time that I started to have real trouble sleeping. I'm not sure if it was my mind over matter something. But I started pulling all nighters, even when I tried to sleep. There would literally be nights where I would lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, and crying because I couldn't get to sleep and I knew I had important things to do the next day. So for a while I kicked the naps, no matter how tired I felt after school, in hopes that I would feel more tired at night. It didn't work. Essentially, I'd like to think that I have insomnia. But that's not true, I can sleep, it's just that I nap. I always get tired during the day and sleep. At night I'm never tired (except for rare nights like these when I feel tired sooner, but that's prob because I woke at six this morning and only had a fifteen minute nap today) and if I do feel tired I can only sleep for a few hours at the most. It doesn't bother me much anymore, I don't cry because my body won't let me sleep. But sometimes it does get annoying, especially at things like sleepovers where everyone is dead asleep and I'm still wide awake, laying perfectly still and trying not to move because I think it'd be rude to wake everyone else up. All in all what I'd really like to do is go back in time and tell my eight year self not to ask for an abolition of bedtime, because of that I've had sleeping problems ever since.

In other things, I do feel tired, and I'm going to take this rare opportunity to blog a little and hit the hay. Hopefully I'll stay asleep for a while. Also, I think I just saw a UFO. Well, not saw, but felt. A few minutes ago there was this sound, like a really low flying plane, and it passed over the house. I was watching a Youtube video so I paused it and listened to it as the roaring faded away. But then the sound changed direction and seemed to be coming back. This seemed odd to me so I kept listening, and it did come back. This time it passed over the house, only it seemed lower this time. Whatever it was that was flying over pulled the same trick again, it flew away turned around and came back again. Only this time it was really low, the walls of the house shook, and I heard hitting on my window which I assumed to be the thumping tree branches of the tree right outside my window. I was kind of scared at this point so I glanced out my window as it slowly passed over. My curtains are pulled over my windows but they were bright, like some multicolored light was just outside of this. I'm not gonna lie, it scared me shitless and I was too frozen to move until I heard the sound completely disappear. That was about ten minutes ago, and now I think I should sleep before I get too paranoid and actually look outside or something (it doesn't help that my landlady is out of town and won't be back until tomorrow, it means I'm completely alone and really easy for aliens to abduct.)

And also, if you didn't notice, I gave up on BEDA halfway through. I'm a loser, no wonder aliens are after me.

-Keshia

BEDA 13: To the Park!

Today I walked about twenty blocks, with various turns and stops, to find the Grande Avenue Park. This is a park along the waterfront in Everett. I felt like I should go there. I went to the park all the time in Alabama, several different ones actually. I've really been feeling park deprived up here in Washington. So my landlady gave me directions yesterday which I completely forgot when I started on my venture to the park this afternoon. Have I mentioned that I'm not very good with directions to begin with? Anyway, I eventually found this park but then I realized that from where I lived I could have followed the crossroad straight down to the park about eight blocks. All those turns and other things I had taken were a useless twelve blocks. But while I was at the park today I decided I would run to this park every morning. It's something I'm trying to do, to lose weight. But more than that I just want to be refreshed by a lovely park every morning. I also filmed a long and awkward vlog for my friend Kody while I was heading to the park. I'll probably add it up next week.

Well I'm tired,and it's only eight thirty. But this is good. If I wanna run to the park tommorow morning I'm going to have to wake up at 4 because I have to be at work at 7. Blah!

Fin.

BEDA 12: Do you think about death?

Yesterday I went and saw Final Destination 5. For my own reason I'm always paranoid for a week after I watch the movies. Honestly, this movie was great. It replaced the first one as my second favorite (my first favorite is ans still is, the third one) and the twist in the end make sit so much more brilliant. I'm not telling anymore.
But really, sometime if wonder if death really does have things all planned out like that for us. Sometimes I think he does (I see death as a man, the Grim Reaper never really appeared to be a woman). I mean, though it is cool looking, I hardly doubt deaths plans involve things that are very brutal and cruel as in the movie. He honestly can't be that harsh. But sometimes I do wonder if death has plans. Well not death, God. If God knows our whole life, if he has everything planned out then he must have death planned out too, and does that, in a sense, make God death. I'm not sure...I shouldn't think about complicated things.

I really don't care how I die. I can die brutally, if that's what death or God wants, but if I die before I make some of my dreams come true, I sure am going to be pissed.

BEDA 9,10, and 11: I'm hungry right now..

So I realized I'm really terrible at this blog everyday in August thing. I mean, I honestly can't seem to keep up with a blog. It's also the fact that work gets all up in the way. I have such random shifts that it really bothers me, but once school starts it will settle down just fine. I can't wait until school, I'm a nerd, I admit. College thrills me, I'm so ready...I just need to purchase books first.

But as of current news, other than me working and sleeping a lot, here's what's happening....

I am currently hungry but my landlady is in the kitchen making about 60 brownies for a party at her friends. I know I can move perfectly around her to make my own food (hamburger helper tonight, FTW!) but I won't. I've never liked cooking while other people are there to witness it. It's not like I have to be alone, I don't mind if people are there I just have intense paranoia. I'm convinced people judge me everywhere, even in the kitchen while I'm cooking food for myself.
I'm also trying to edit through all my videos from ISA, right now a file is saving and that's why I choose to take the time to blog. Yipee! Tomorrow, probably, I'm going  to film a vlog about my thoughts on Harry Potter and it ending, all that jazz. It's probably going to be emotional and stupid but it's something I feel like I should do. The post date will be the 14th, one month after Harry Potter premiere.
 Also, tomorrow I'm going to go see the fifth final destination movie. Although The Final Destinaiton series is a bit played out in my head I can't help it. I've been a loyal Final Destination fan since the first movie (along with my sister Jeannie, who I'm going to see this with tommorow. There are these rare instances where Jeannie and I agree and have something in common, usually within the entertainment catergory. We are both avid fans of Final Destination, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and RENT.) I honestly think they should have stopped at the third movie, it was my favorite and it seemed the most instense to me. I absolutely hated the fourth one, even if part of the movie was shot in my hometown. But I'm still going to see the fifth one, there's just a kind of loyalty that lies in a person when they have a passion about a TV series or show. Such as the Buffy Reboot (that has been rumored to happen for the past year), even though I know it won't have the brilliant acting skills of Anthony Stewart Head, James Marsters, or Sarah Michelle Gellar, I'll probably still watch it.
I have the next two days off, this, I enjoy very much!
-Keshia

BEDA 8: Library.

The Everett Public Library is the one area where I can not be alone and yet still feel totally efficient. I hung out t the library a lot today. In fact I was there from about 12-4pm. I guess it takes a truly inane person to hang out at the library that long. It's always better when I have a spot that's to myself and more reclusive because if not I feel a little self conscious. I get fidgety and I have to get up and walk around even if I've already checked out the books I needed. but today was a good library day. I had a nice spot and could snack in peace.I caught up on a lot of journal writing and finished editing the first chapter of my book. I also check Never Have I Ever, the second in The Liar Game Series by Sara Shepard. They're coming out with a TV series based on but I don't honestly think I'll watch it because like the PLL TV, I don't have the time nor I care too much about the variation on the series. I mean, the show in itself is good, but I can't compare to the books at the same time. I also got Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld, my absolute favorite book in the world. My copy is still in Alabama, although I should get my stuff shipped here soon enough. I really needed Sittenfeld's words, she is a creative genius. I also check out a few more books and ate at Taco Bell afterward, I feel accomplished.

BEDA 7: I have no friends....

It occurs to me that I really have no friends here in Washington. In Alabama I had friends, friends that I was so close to that it was scary. I mean, I can literally feel a physical pull on myself to go back to Alabama and hug those people. It's really been a while since I've had a good and proper hug from a friend. In fact, the last person I hugged was Marina, the night before I left for Washington. I'm feeling a littl bit hug deprived.

And, my friends, I realize how lonely of an existance that I've thrown myself into. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, I want to travel my whole life because I want to see the world. But I've also realized that unless I find someone with passions similar to my own that I'm never going to have that opportunity to have such a close friend again. But I'm perfectly fine with it, but it does bother me sometimes, just a little, like a twinge at the back of my throat that makes me want to cry because I miss my friends so much. However, I will be in Washington for about two years before I head back down south to Florida for my Disney internship. I think I'll have plenty of opportunity to make new friends. In fact, I already have people I talk to on a regular basis that aren't just coworkers or insignificant people. But in m heart I know I'll never be close to people like I was in Alabama. These are people who I've grown up with, people who have seen me at every moment in my life up until now. Friendship like that just can't be erased.

BEDA 5/6: McDonalds

So it's hard to post when I work alot. The last two days I've had these awkward shifts (11am-7pm) where I don't have time to do stuff before work nor do I have the time or energy to do stuff afterward. But luckily for me once school starts I can get my work settled out and my schedules won't be so random anymore. September 19th better hurry up.
So my blogs ran into each other. Boom! Super collision! Mostly I just wanted to tlak about Mcdonalds. My toughts right before walking into there to apply were this is going to be hell. It turns out it isn't. I really love my job in a fast food place, this wierd corporation called McDonalds. My coworkers are nice and the work is fun and easy. ost of the time my days fly by.Which is wierd, the complete opposite of what I think. I used to think that working in a fast food place would be terrible but nah, it isn't.

BEDA 4: Didn't you know I'm the perfect girl?

So to be honest I almost forgot about BEDA, I only just remembered while I was taking a shower earlier. Also, whilst I was taking a shower I realized I'm still terrified of getting water in my eyes. When I was younger I squeezed my eyes shut so tightly it hurt and refused to go into a pool without goggles. I still do this, I'm still terrified of water. I close my eyes tight, I don't get why, I just do. But, this however, is irrelvent to today's blog post.

Today after work I sat down with one of my managers, Tiger. Tiger is on the younger side, super tall, and flirts with every girl that is within a five foot radius of him. For some reason Tiger and I started talking about our view on relationships, I'm not sure how we came to this suject. But basically, after I explained my view, how I don't believe in marriage and blah, blah, blah, Tiger said I was like the perfect girl. My only thought was that Tiger doesn' really know me. But then I thought about it and realized that I have in fact been told this before, soon before I left Alabama. So, this gets me thinking? If I'm such a perfect girl then why aren't guys pining after me? One thing probably has to do with looks, I'm not ugly but I'm not really pretty either. Like most other things in my life (height, weight, intelligence, voice) I fall somewhere in the average catergory. Another reason, I decided, is because I'm too annoying. I know myself, I know I'm annoying and I know that I am irksome to some people. And lastly I think it's because I'm too unique. Well, unique is the nice way of putting it. I'm wierd, this I know too. But it's me and I made it clear this past year that I'm not changing or anyone. Though of course, in reality, I don't care at all. Right now I'm not dreaming about love at all. I'm dreaming about my dreams. So guys who think I'm perfect can just stay out of the picture.

An besides, who wants a girlfriend who still afraid of water?

BEDA 3: I cheated.

I cheated, on two things, actually. First and foremost, BEDA. Originally, I didn't plan on doing BEDA. I hardly blog here, I only came on to check who my new follower was. I mean, when not that many people are interested in your life, you wanna see who actually is. But then I read through of all of Kristina Horner's BEDA (s) so far along with her blogs from vidcon and I suddenly had the urge to do BEDA myself. I mean, I'm always wanting to write more in here. Now I'll feel obligated to, but I cheated. I'm two days late. Who cares? No one, because no one really reads this.
The second thing I cheated on was my yearbook. Remember a while back when I promised I wasn't going to read any yearbook things until the plane to Washington. I lied. I actually read everything in my yearbook the day Marina and I got in a fight. I think it was sort of a therapy, she didn't seem to care about me anymore so I wanted to see who did. So I read my yearbook and cried more. You see, that's the thing about me when I'm sad, I don't believe anything good to happen. I just convinced myself those people were liars and they didn't care for me. But that do.

Anyways, fin.
I do realize BEDA is supposed to indeed be a 'tell what you did today kind of thing', and yes indeed it will be that....tomorrow.

Keshia's Booklist: If I Stay by Gayle Forman

Something new I'm starting, I'm going to do book reviews here because I read so darn much I might as well do something with it.

If I Stay is a powerful book about a musically inclined seventeen year old girl, Mia, who has just been in an accident that killed her whole family and left her non-feeling spirit to decide whether she wants to live by staying or die.

My initial reaction to the book was not very positive. You are thrown into the life of Mia, who seems to have everything going for her; loving parents and almost spot in Julliard for her and her cello. The only problem seems to be the seperation from her boyfriend, Adam, and his rise to stardom in his punk 'emo-core' band Shooting Star. I thought, oh, this is going to be one of those love stories where the couple has to overcome the obstacle of seperation and continue to stay in love. This did not elate me, not that I don't like those stories, I've just gotten burnt out on them latelty. Too much of Sarah Dessen XP

But the story took a really surprising change. Mia and her family get in a car accident, instantly killing her Mom and Dad. I've read a few car crash scenes, I've even written one before, but the crash scene in this story is simply brilliant. In the first few pages Mia discusses how she plays the cello and is classic music fanatic. She describes the car crash as a symphony, all colliding parts and crashing elements. Even though it is something quite horrible I saw it as beautiful. I think that Mia seeing her dead parents was done quite tastefully, without the right out descriptions of blood and gore and yet you could see the horrific scenes; they're battered bodies.

As her body is moved to the hospital I finally realized that Mia was having an outer body experience. I'm slow and I didn't realize this. The rest of the book switches from flashbacks of Mia's past to her in present time, following her body which rests in a comatose state. Throughout the flashbacks I feel like Mia's parents come to life. Even though I know they are dead, both of them lifeless within the first few pages. But yet, through her memories the reader gets to see them. Her understanding and strong mother who can be a bit of a 'bitch.' And her father, former punk band guitarist and now English teacher. Mia feels like she is a black sheep in the family, while everyone is into the 'punk' scene Mia throws herself into her cello practice and classic music. But while she feels almost left out I'm quite jealous of the loving family atmosphere they have. They are always encouraging her. The connection to her friend Kim is great. They don't seem to have the "we're best freinds forever" girly and typical teenage atttitude about it. Mostly they seem to be there for each other, even if opposite. Plus their fight, and how they became friends after it, was priceless.

In her memories we find that she was coming down to two choices in her life. Her love of music or her love of Adam. The relationship in this book was great, a brilliant one that should be looked up to. Mia and Adam aren't the teenage couple who are all mushy gushy and think they're in love but aren't. They're really in love, I think Forman did a great job here. The words, their understanding of each, and how much they try for each other shows their love. And also, her passion with music. In this book music plays a big part of it, every character seems to be linked to her in some way due to music. It's hard to understand the feeling, the passion for music unless you're actually a musician yourself. I can completly understand Mia in this sense. But even for those who aren't musicians, I think they can still feel Mia's passion--how she and her cello are one. And in the end it's music that makes Mia come back and decide to stay.

Overall I think this was one hell of a book. I'm probably going to pick up my own copy the next time I go to the bookstore. I love the way it delves into human emotion, it's compelling and it really makes the reader think. I mean, what would you do if you had the choice to live or die when it seems you have nothing more to live for?

So, I'm actually busy...

For the first time in a long time I can actually say I'm busy. I mean busy as in the way where most of my time isn't spent dancing around my room with music blasting and me claiming to be busy. I've moved into my own house now. I love it, I really do. I feel like an adult. Some people would crack under the pressure of responsibility, suddenly having all of these things to handle, and yet I'm not. I relish in it. I think I was always built for an independent life, I always felt like I was. I mean, there has to be some explanation  to why I love being alone. And now I don't have ot worry about anyone judging me, espicially not Mom. I feel so much freedom now that I'm out of her grasps.

I've done so much in Washington. It's amazing that I've only been here for two weeks and I've already done so much. In general I really don't feel like explaining, I mean, no one much cares about my life in detail. Who reads this blog anyways? Mostly I just love life right now. Happiness in Pursuit, thank you Thomas Jefferson.

Noted.

I've been in Washington since monday now, I've literally been running around the city from morning to night. There's so much stuff you have to do when you move to a new state. But mostly, I love it here. I know that's not very descriptive, I'm being brief. Right now I'm sitting in the Everett Public Library (this place has literally become my second home, I've hung out here everyday since I've gotten here) and I feel like my typing is annoying. There are people sitting all around me with laptops but not a single one is typing, or they have alln perfected a method of typing that isn't as noisy as mine. I'll write more stuff later...mostly this is to let you know I'm here, in Washington and I love it.

Yep, the sky had lightening....

I was supposed to write every other day, that obviously didn't happen. I skipped two days, on Saturday I'm blogging again. You will be organized Keshia!!! I'm trying to push myself, but really I want to be organized. But at the same time I feel like I just want to be lazy, SUPER LAZY, until I get to Washington.

I really think it's amazing how a few things can change my all day long bad mood into something different.....uggh, not much to blog about today.

"Anything is possible, just seize the day. Disheartened dreams and past mistakes are buried in yesterday."

I'm getting a tattoo soon, I'm thinking of getting a small word, "free" on my wrist.

Crazy? Excited? Lady Gaga?

So I'm going to attempt to post in my blog at least every other day. It seems like a way I can do things, even when my life isn't even relatively interesting I can ramble on about things. I guess...mostly I'll prob summarize my journal (yes a real life notebook journal that I write in pratically everyday) entries...

Blah...that's all I kind of had to say.

I watched a Lady Gaga interview today, I love her :)

AHHHHH!!!!

So I haven't posted in here in a while, I kind of never really do but I need to. It keeps my writing skills up to par and I really care alot about them, but I already have alot of writing that I do. Let's see; fanficitons, rough drafts for future novels, typing up novels for inkpop, reviews on inkpop, blogging via makup blog, this blog, and not to mention my own personal journal that I spaz about if I don't write in everyday. But this is what I do, it's so much fun. If it wasn't for the fact that I was so scared about being a broke bum the rest of my life I would make creative writing my major. But alas, there is a sensible part of me who has just about much strength as the writer part of me. And besides, English education is something that goes right along with creative writing and it give me the chance to travel. I'm so ready to be an English teacher in different countries (after I get my degree, that is.)

So what has happened since I last blogged, let's see; um, I went to Disneyworld, got into a huge fight with a group of friends, finished high school, put on the Brownie Awards, moved out of my house, and graduate from high school. And this, my friends, is why this blog is titled "AHHHHH!!!!!" Let's just say I've been under so much stress lately that I've been to the point of literally yearning to rip out my own hair and go hide under a rock. I hate emotions, I literally hate showing them in any way, shape, or form. I'm a person who is extremely sentimental but can't stand emotions. They are stupid and make us weak. I really wish I could be a stone wall all the time. This is why I do theatre, I show my emotions through acting and leave my real self be. But I haven't been successful in hiding my emotions. I have literally sobbed about something everyday for the past ten days; ranging from the important, unimportant, and crying for no reason at all. Right now it's about ten forty five and yep, I've already sobbed like a baby today. I hate that I'm so weak, it really peeves me off that I can't be a stronger person.

And to think, none of this is because of graduating. Graduation is supposed to be something bittersweet, but I have been so surrounded by so much other stress that graduation was barely a blip on the map. I graduated Wednesday, two days ago, and I haven't even cared. I mean, it wasn't the butterflies in my stomach, rush of emotion kind of thing it was supposed to be. Graduation is the only thing I've managed to be a stone wall about, but of course I'm sure it's because graduating isn't really that big of a deal! It was just sitting there for a long time and then thinking I sound like a T-Rex as I cluncked my way across the stage to get my diploma. Which wasn't even my real diploma, btw, just the folder to put it in. We don't get our real diplomas until June 1st.

Now Disney World, on the other hand, did resonate something in me. I'm such a Disney freak, I can't help it. I wanted to take a picture with every character and see every show. I wanted to do everything Disney had to offer. The Wishes fireworks show gave me major goosebumps, along with Fantasmic. While in Disney I found something that helped me with my love of Disney world, there is a paid Disney internship, where you can work at Disney and take college classes at the same time. They take Education students, along with alot of other students. I looked into the program and I'm really thinking about doing it. Possibly next year, idk, I just want to be in Disney all the time. It was such a brief escape from my stressful life. Disney can you please be the magical rock I hide underneath?

However after Disney I was dragged back to the real world and the harshness of people that I thought were my friends. I really don't feel like going into details here, other than the fact that I now trust some people and other people will never be the same in my eyes. I won't be speaking to them after I move to Washington.

And now let me bore you for one last paragraph, about the Brownie Awards. Let's just say I feel like the Brownie Awards was my rightful graduation. It was such an emotional night for me, even though I didn't want it to be. I really tried to resist the urge to cry. I tried to hide behind the curtains, away from the people I knew for a fact would make me cry, but Teila wouldn't have any of it. She dragged me back, along with the help of Sheila who actually tracked me down behind the curtains to give me a hug. I love so many people in the drama group so much, they are basically my family. I don't want to say goodbye to any of them. And then, I really did sob like a baby, but it was okay because I was mostly hidden. One of those friends who I'm going to miss like crazy was having a private (by this I mean we were backtsage and mostly out of sight) conversation with me and he told me he feels bad for anyone who meets me but never really gets to know me because they are missing out of knowing one of the most incredible people ever. God, he pulled a switch, it was a good ten minute before I stopped hyperventilating from crying so much.

But other than that, I moved out, I'm still super stressed and I kind of wish June 6th was here already. Ah, this entry was way to long. I'll write at least once a week form now on as not to bore anyone (although I'm sure about three people read this) to tears.

Fin!

Hakuna Matata

Someone told me today that I need to live by Hakuna Matata. Did I mention this was a someone that I like and for some reason this person always sees me better than I see myself....

But the thing is, I AM A FAIL! And I can't live my life Hakuna Matata. Maybe when it comes to love, relationships, and all that jazz I can but not when it comes to my friends. I've complained much too much about this, I care too much about my friends opinions. And I care vastly too much about those who I look up to. When they're dissapointed in me then I just fee like I'm sinking back into middle school Keshia. Man, I hated her. I never want to meet her again.

So, I'm sorry cute guy. You are so nice, and even today when I felt like crap you cheered me up automatically, but I can't follow your policy of Hakuna Matata. It seems impossible for someone like me, and I admire you so much because you can.

Goodbye for today :)

I have this feeling....

That I should never post again when I'm angry. I vow to never write anything (except for in my journal) when I'm angry again. Now, having done this, I'm going to go fix food.

Emotion

It seems that everyone here on blogger only blogs when they are full of some emotion. I'm pissed, I'm sad, I'm super happy. I feel like I'm the only person who blogs when their life is blah...that's the only time I can get thoughts to progress one after another....and I truly give you a blog. Or I write down one liners to try to sum up my day. So today, or tonight, or this morning...it's 3 in the morning, I have school tomorrow and I just wrote a five page research paper in one hour. What do you call that time? Anyways, right now in this current moment I present emotion!

Pissed: Someone, and I know I can say names here because they don't follow me (Thank God!)--but I won't, is an idiot. No, let me rephrase, a whole family is an idiot (yes,they're only intelligent enough to be one full idiot). But specifically the Mom, the "Ms. I'm a big super Christian who can talk trash about anyone I want to and ignore the faults of my children because they're just such angels." First off, let me begin...I have a youtube channel. It's my own personal channel, it's what I do for fun. I can say whatever the hell I want. Now if I make a comment in one of my videos about how much of a douche bag your child is, then first off) it's my video, what are you going to do about it bitch? And second) You wanna know why your child is a douche bag? Because you're an overbearing overprotective mother who likes to fight theirs child's battles for them and won't give them space to grow up. Maybe if you rip them off the tit every now and then, than they will be able to grow up and see the error of they're ways. But no, you're gonna keep telling them how good they are. So please, please stop talking stuff about me. Really? How fucking immature can you get??? Okay your child posted a picture, a thing that's automated. I came in 4th place on their "Top friends of all time" because at one point we were good friends. So don't say any damn thing like; "What's #4 doing on your profile so much, she gonna make another video?" How dumb can you be, it's fucking automated!!! And video, why do you think I blocked you from my damn youtube channel? Oh and the "I can make a video too," comment. What are you gonna say? Nothing you can say will bother me because unlike you I have confidence in myself to do not FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOUR OPINIONS! Do you know how much I want to write back and tell you off and reveal you for the asanine (I'm sure you don't even know what this word means) person you are? But I won't, I'm being mature. I'm note posting anything on FB, or any video talking about you. Instead I'm just ranting on my blog, where hardly no ones here, but even then I'm not mentioning you name. But I do have a message I wish you could read: GROW UP! Get a real life, instead forcing yourself into your child's life, and leave me the fuck alone! Do you know how glad I am that I'm moving to Washington? I can't wait to get away from trash like you.

I need to hire an elf

I swear, I need to hire an elf, or something. I need somebody that comes over to my house during school breaks and pesters me every five minutes until I do my work. I HATE school holidays, they give me the feeling of being of LSD. Espicially Spring Break, it has to be the worst. It's like a mini summer and because it's Spring Break you feel like you need to do things, such as go to the beach. FYI, I hate the beach. Have I gone to the beach? Yes. Have I done my school work? No. The only the even sort of productive things I've managed to do over this Spring Break are clean my room and film a few beauty videos. But I still need to write two research papers, do six pages in my French workbook, type up three chapters for my fanfics, and write 100 pages in my rough draft of my next novel. Not to mention, my room is messy again. Originally I was supposed to go with a big group of friends to the beach tomorrow but more than half of them backed out so the huge group turned into about five people...now I just feel like canceling the whole thing. In all honesty, I'd be perfectly fine sitting at home all day and doing my work. I'm a mega homebody, I love sitting at home. But I'm a person who gives into peer pressure too easily. My friends are doing things and I feel like I need to do things too. Facebook is murder, I mean why do people keep posting statuses about how they feel like a loser because they have nothing to do that day. Is there anything wrong with actually relaxing on Spring Break.....and doing your work.

Blah!

I'm just grumpy because I feel like crap because I've been traveling all day. I stayed at Marina's last night, awoke at 6 this morning, got into her truck and drove to Mississippi for her to audition for college band. We got there like two hours early so we drove around, searching for Walmart to kill time. Mrs. Marcia passed Walmart and didn't notice until about 20 miles past it. Now have I ever said, or even mentioned, how much I friggin hate driving around in a vehicle all day. I've never liked it, even when I was young. I think my breaking is usually about two hours in a car, after that I just can't stand it anymore. I feel car sick, I get cramped, I get sleepy, I try to sleep, and when I wake up I can always feel a headache coming on. Plus the whole time the sun is always too friggin bright! On the way home Mrs. Marcia took us on the scenic route, where we got to see awesome beaches in Gulfport and Boloxi, and she talked about her in high school. She had so much more freedom than us. I apprieciated it and it was really cool to see but the 'scenic route' took twice as long to get home. More time in a car means more time to form a grumpy Keshia. I tried not to complain, although I prob. did complain too much but it all honesty I could have complained alot more. I like to think I'm more respectable in front of my friends parents. As opposed to with my Mom, if she took me on this journey that we went on today I would have been whining for about the first hour on...now I'm just so tired, which makes no sense because for 90% of the day I just sat in a car. How does it tire me out?

And Marina, she made Perk band and won a 12,438 dollar scholarship. It makes me so proud...and a little jealous. I got to see most of her campus today and I definitly approve of it. But it still makes me a little uneasy, even though she's my best friend and I have lived with her for three months before I know she's not as an independent person as me. Not that she can't take care of herself, I know she can...she just seems like she need people. I can't imagine Marina alone, without people, without me. It'd odd, I can completely imagine myself without her. I'm gonna be totally lonely and spastic, I swear, in Washington there are gonna be a few moments where I might just scream. But I guess I'm supposed to worry for her, she is my best freind. But I am so proud of her. And now I don't have to hear her complain about how much college costs anymore :P

Do I need a title?

It's really surprising how quickly my good mood can run out, I can't even go one day full of happiness. No, it has to be ruined. Blah.

It's Spring Break. I'm on LSD again.

Prom Night!

Dances are something I have always loved about school. I've never been one of those shy kids at dances, I guess that's why I like it so much.
In school, unless I'm around my close friends, I'm terribly shy. It's horrible to know that I'm a senior and I still have these issues, but at least I've gotten better. Freshman year I would bury my head in a book and forget the rest of my peers. At least now I converse a little. But even now I'm still known as the quiet kid. (Unless, of course, I am around my close friends. Around them I'm insane) So dances are really the opportunity for me to let go. I love dancing...let me repeat....I LOVE DANCING. And I love when people notice me dancing, I'm a person who craves the spotlight way too much. (God, I'm really proving myself to be a hypocrite here, the shy kid who craves the spotlight) But when someone from school that thinks I'm a 'shy girl' asks me if I'm drunk --yes I do act that crazy--I just laugh. No, I'm not drunk I just love having a good time.
But prom was fun. I got all sentimental. I'm already a sentimental noobcake but this year I was so much worse. I'm a senior and it was my last dance ever. Plus, prom was at 'The Temple' downtown. 'The Temple' just happens to be where homecoming took place my freshman year. So my first high school dance was in this building, along with my last high school dance. I wonder if the people who planned the dance realized they made it this way.
Toward the end of the dance they played alot of songs that I am so glad they waited for. Dynamite, which I have loved since Halloween, and E.T. by Katy Perry. I swayed in the arms of all my friends and serenaded them, oh what a great way to nearly end my high school career. They then faded off to slow dances and country songs that are somehow always famous down here in the south. Blah! But then the last friggin slow song they played was I'll be. That just happens to be the first slow song I ever danced to at homecoming freshman year. The first slow song at my first high school dance and the last slow song at my last high school dance. The irony of the night nearly killed me! I sat down during that song, though. Freshman year I danced with someone special to that song and he's not here now. I promised him I'd sit a slow song out for him and it just happens to be the very first song we danced to.
After prom we ordered food at Taco Bell and went to Walmart to eat. I'm serious, just plopped down on the kid's shoe aisle and pulled out our fake mexican food. We weren't loitering, though, because we bought some candy before we left. I'm sure everyone there thought we were drunk there, I swear one cop was gonna try and use a breathalizer on us--he gave us creepy stares. But we would have come out clean.....we were just high on life. I love my friends and right now I love my life. This is rare.

"Drunk off of nothing but each other until the sunrise"
-Kesha

This post turned out so much longer than I originally planned it to be and since I left my camera in Teila's car, I'll put pictures up later.  :)

Sometimes I think...

Today I finally let people start to sign my yearbook. I came up with this rule for myself, that I won't read anything written in my yearbook until I'm sitting on a plane and on my way to Washington. I'm still having a little trouble picturing it. I've known since September that I'm going to moving to Washington and now it's so close, only 40-something days, and I still can't picture it. But it generally makes sense that I can't imagine doing something I've never done before. I've never ridden in a plane before. I've never lived any place other than Alabama before.....

I'm so tempted to glance at my yearbook but I won't. I'm good at following my own self made rules.

I currently have.....

.....15 days of school left. I suppose I should be getting all sentimental at this point. I am, but mostly when I'm thinking about what to write in someone's yearbook. Instead I'm thinking of all the things I still have left to do. I only have 15 days left of school but about 40 days left in this state, and boy, there's a mini bucket list waiting for me. A bucket list that has to be finished before I say goodbye to Alabama.

Show!

The last show of Midsummer Night's Dream was tonight. I can't describe how intensly I will miss the Alma Bryant High School Theatre Department and everyone within the show. Though this may not have been the best show Bryant has ever put on it is definitly the show where I have felt the closest to people. I will miss every single person in the show, even the annoying ones who I have wanted to smack half the time.

Challenges...

So I'v realized that I do NOTHING, and I mean nothing, on my facebook page. I get on for like twenty minutes each day, check stuff, and get off. So in order to cure my facebook immune disease I'm going to start challenges. So I'm going to do the 30 day video challenge and 30 day note challenge. I'm also doing the 100 day picture challenge. There is a 30 day picture challenge but since I like pictures the most I will do the 100 day one. But I'm extending this past facebook. I will do the note challenge and video challenge in here also. So each day starting tomorrow I'll post some little entry and a video. I'm also extending the 100 day picture challange to my Dailybooth. But I'm still doing all of them via Facebook.
So here's links to my Facebook and Dailybooth.

http://dailybooth.com/KeshiaLynn

http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=1692925517

School Holidays are like LSD.

I get tripped out. I can't clearly tell you what day of the week it is. I can't tell you whether it's night time or day time. Sleep has no meaning, nor does being awake.
And then you have to go back to school and you realize, damn, I did nothing over break but sit at home and stare at a computer screen.

...

I get lazy over school breaks and forget the rest of the world. I can't wait to live on my own. Counting down the days.

Week Long Guilt Trips...

I really hate the level of my confidence. I mean, it really hits me when people younger than me have so much more confidence than me. Espicially those alot younger than me. I have a weird sense of seniority. I'm older, I more mature, I know more things. I should have the confidence that blows them away and yet I don't. And the fact that they have more confidence than me just takes another HIT at my confidence. You're young, niave, and wrong half of the time. Why can't you be like me when I was younger, scared of everything?
I feel like I'm wishing unfortunate things on other people.

Washington, hurry up!!!

French Class

For some reason I've always seemed to wonder whether there actual good people out there. I think too much, I know I do. There are plenty of nice people, those who like me, are kind but too perpendicular in their morals to ever be considered a good person. But I think you'll occasionaly find someone who is stupendous. A person who is just good without reason, they are just good people. It's not momentus, but I think I found one of those people. I may be overstepping my boundries, I just want to find a good person. Uggh....now I'm lost, I hardly know what I'm talking about anymore.

Stephanie Blake

"You...how do I contemplate you."

Patience is not something I have-I want to be done now. Isn't it old and lost?

Hats

C: I see you, can't you see me? Why are your thoughts different? Everyone else hides under comfort, they tell me it will all be okay. Liars. You tell me to get over it. You can be a serious bitch sometimes. But it helps. Helps me understand.

Why can't I be more than Keshia Mcclantoc?

5 more minutes....
Je suis anana!
-Adieu

Ciao

Discoveries....

I'm terribly inconsistent.
I know I am.
But I can't help it.

So just a few minutes ago I finished a two hour search. What was this search? It was a search through all the Bloggers here from my own hometown, little Mobile, Alabama.

I got too many results.

I realize..

...that I have too many passions in life. when some of those things conflict then I'm always one in trouble, God, I hate it. I feel like today is blame Keshia for the whole wordl day.
I'm going to make a chain of memories, see ya later alligator...


The sad part is, I'm not even happy, I'm putting on a front even in my words. See the previous post to know what I mean. Blah, but I was happy today...it's been a rollarcoaster.

I am so tired...

Of putting on a happy face. I wish I could be sad withour reason or chance. Well, I'm never sad without reason, I just wish I could be sad without having to explain myself. It's so hard to always force a smile. I need a day where I am allowed to be depressed without anyone bothering me.

I need a car....

I've been too addicted to Spider Solitiare lately, it's so much easier then regular solitaire where you have to match up with colors. I terrible at Spider Solitire, so regular solitiare is a nightmare. I've never been good at puzzles.

I wish I had my own car. I hate the fact that I, as an eighteen year old girl, have no form of transportation at all. It really upsets me. If I ever have kids they are getting cars for their 16th birthday, whether that makes them spoiled or not I don't really care. I want to be unlike my Mom and have children who actually have more than just what they need. They should get a little of what they want every now and then. I'm on a high horse, I know I'm better than my mom. In the realm of things of good and bad I know this is something bad, but I just can't seem to get off the horse. I think I want myself to be selfish and bratty in this way because I know the one thing I will be in life is better than my mom. But as I was saying and before I ramble on too much and let you know just how much of a bitch I can truly be, let's talk about cars. I want a car, a car just to help me before I leave Washington.
It has to do with the fact that before I leave Alabama I want to drive around and say goodbye to everything, it sounds stupid and sentimental but I'm a stupid and sentimental person. Seeing as my mom has a car and I don't, this is not going to happen. I want to say goodbye to Alabama because it's beautiful. Despite how much I complain about redneck hicks, the hot weather, the anything else I still love this place. I'm going to miss it with a passion so much that I'll probably just burst over into a mess of tears after I leave. I'm going to be such a rollarcoaster then, I know I will be. I'll be happy about Washington and sad about Alabama.
But there's so much. Alabama has white sand beaches, Washington does not. Alabama has the amazing Munnicipal Park, and while sure Washington has amazing parks it does not have that one. Alabama has these incredible Meusems and other places that I was always forced to on fieldtrips when I was younger but never truly apprieciated. Now I apprieciate them and have no opportunity to visit them. Also, I've never walked around downtown Mobile. I mean, truly, I've only walked around a little during Mardi Gras but nothing much else. There's so much I need to do before I leave Alabama, before I leave this truly incredible place...but I can't, and the biggest problem has to do with not having a car.

I wish I was a cat. They are so carefree and lazy but fun at the same time. Oh, if I was a cat then indeed my life would be great.

Apartments and Senior-ness

I really need to post in here more, it's been what, 14 days. But what do I do when I get on the internet? I got to Youtube and listen to music. But Youtube is being terribly slow right now, I think I may just die; it's my internet home.

In Washington I'm getting my own apartment, I've already found one too. A nice studio apartment, it's perfect. However, Mom doesn't know this. And she won't know. It's not like she cares enough to even read or know I have a blog. Well, she doesn't care about anything involving me much.

We took senior superlative pictures the other day. It was terrible and uncomfortable, things never go the way I picture them in my head. I never expect them too, but I somehow I want them to have a hint or even a tidbit of how I imagined them, BUT NO, it just comes out wrong. Preppy people were dressed better than me and they let me know too. And then there was the fact that I could only find myself comfortable talking to a few people, and even then the air was filled with little bubbles of awkward turtle-ness. I'm not even sure how turtles could be awkward, if they were trapped on their backs and couldn't get up I would find it cute, then feel bad for them and help them up. I wish someone would feel bad for me and help me get out of awkward-ness. I'm eighteen years old, it honestly should be gone now. Uggh, what a pathetic thing to feel the need to be pitied. And then there's the fact that I was Senior Superlative for Drama. Dont's get me wrong, I love Theatre. When Mr. Browne announced that I was Senior Superlative I was estatic. But I had so many plans back in freshman year. I was going to be Language Arts Superlative (although I was told I would've been if I hadn't dropped AP classes) and I was going to be in the top ten. But it didn't happen, I had to sit there and watch the top ten take there pictures. I think I'm maybe 28 in a class of about 200, which I suppose is good but I still feel as though I've failed myself. I really think I hate being a senior, but I really love it at the same time. I wish I could do the Time Warp dance and go back in time to freshman year, I was so stupid then. I'm probably still stupid now but I like to think that I've at least matured a little in the past four years of my life. Some of the choices I made back then, oh, they were just terrible. I mean, I really had self-asteem issues. Now, I still have issues but know that I'm so much better then I was back then. I care much too much about what people think of me.

Blah.

I've been grumpy lately, if you can't tell.

"Some days your's the windsheild, some days you're the bug."

I need...

To be more organized in life. ALOT more organized.

I have the flu.

I am currently sick with the flu, I've never had the flu before. My head feels heavy, my whole body aches, and my throat is killing me. Honestly, I don't really mind. It gets me out of school and I can do things that I've been meaning to do, like um....study for Mrs. Rigby's extremely difficult government tests.

I've always loved History, pretty much just the same as English. It's one of those subjects that I can pass with no problem or difficulties. But after the first Government test I learned that even though it's considered a "history" course it is in no way as easy as one. I was convinced I did awesome on the first test, I knew I had earned an A. But no, Mrs. Rigby showed me the test and it was marked with a big fat 72. I felt like I was in Precal and Chemistry II all over again, the only classes in my entire life where my final grades were C's. About half the multiple choice were marked wrong and of the six essay questions I got 18/18 on the first two, 12/18 on the second two, and 0/18 on the last two. Now, to be honest, this was really hurt my spirit. Since I consider myself a writer I am ashamed to say that I earned 0 points on two essay questions. In my mind, even if I answered every multiple choice question wrong I was still going to rock the the essays. But, no, I didn't. And I still can't understand why, last year in Coach Donald's I always got more points than and anyone else on the essay portions of the test and he told me I wrote some of the best essays he has ever seen at Alma Bryant High. But not Mrs. Rigby, no, she gives me 0 points on essay questions. Honestly, I have nothing against the woman. She's brilliant and funny, and I admire the fact that she's still teaching and working so hard even though she's seven months pregnant. And I love the class too, I think  everything we learn about Government is really cool. I love hearing the dynamics of everything and learning about Politics. It makes me feel like I understand things so I don't feel like one of those people who thinks they know it all about the government but they really don't. But for some idea I can't do good on the FRIGGIN TEST!!!! And I just don't understand why, but then again I've only taken the first test. I got out early on the day of the second test, and since I'm missing school today I'll have another test to makeup too. So I certainly have alot to makeup....but at least since I'm out and probably will be for the next week I'll have plenty of time to study.

Politics and Ke$ha....

So I actually watched the State of the Union Address today. I've never done this before, I've seen clips. But I'm pretty sure that the last time I attempted to watch the State of the Union Address (It was Bush's last one, my freshman year) I was out within ten minutes. I guess it's because I'm eighteen now, I have a voice now, and will definitly be using it in the next election, so I want to pay attention to politics now.

But it's hard, I get distracted by such small things; I noticed that after Obama gave a huge segment on energy they zoomed in on the energy head or something, and he was nodding off. And the woman that he talked about going to technical college, she turned to the person next to her and said "that's me" when our president mentioned her name. There was also a woman with an terrible yellow suit and horrid red scarf on. Then there was the fact that when Obama mentioned the fact that "gays" are now allowed in the armies the generals and others in uniforms sat straight with stone cold looks on their faces. Plus, you can really tell how old Obama has gotten since he entered office. It's only been two years but he looks like he's been in office for ten. And lastly, does the audience ever get tired of standing up, clapping, and sitting down every ten minutes?

But mostly, I kind of agreed with what Obama has to say. Since I'm not familar with the State of the Union Address and I'm not sure if this always happens, but it seemed to me like it was alot of predictions and statistics. I'm not sure if any of that can nessacarily prove true. But I love what he said about energy. I'd love to see a world where most, if not all, of our energy is pure energy And EDUCATION!!! I love how much he spoke on that, and the fact that he made a point that education has to start in the home. I think, and not sure why I do, that because Obama has younger, still growing kids, he can find more value in education than other presidents who have children that are already grown. I didn't like, however, the fact that he encouraged kids to go into science and math careers. Obviously it would benefit our country to have more researchers and scientists but I think the only way to really get people into education is to encourage them to be whoever they want to be.

Favorite Quote: "Teachers, your countries need you."

I like this because I'm planning on being a teacher, so I love people who see the value of our educators.


Meanwhile, I love Ke$ha. I just thought I'd say that. You should all go check out her Disney Princess song :D

115 days!!!!!

Get me out of this place NOW!!!!

E.L.F. Product Review

(From left to right: Flawless Finish Foundation/Mineral Eyeshadow Primer/Studio Line Complexion Brush/Studio Line Flatop Powder Brush/ Liquid Eyeliner/Contouring Blush and Bronzing Duo)

Just some notes: All these products were bought with my own money. The opinions in this blog are my own. This shipping on this product was pretty average for standard shipping. The package arrived eight days after I ordered, including processing. Nothing was broken or damaged.

E.L.F Studio Flawless Finish Foundation:

http://www.eyeslipsface.com/studio/face/foundation/flawless_finish_foundation

My favorite thing about this product, other than the incredible price of $6, is the smell. I'm a person who is huge on scent. I don't care how expensive or amazing a makeup product is, if I don't like the smell I'm not going to put it on my face. This, however, has a great smell, so plus points there. I bought the porcelin shade, and it blends with the skin really well. Usually the lightest shade, for me anways, is too pale but the next shade up is too dark. So I was really pleased when this blended perfectly in my skin. The formula is really creamy and smooth; it doesn't cake up too much. Another plus for me is it's container, it comes with a pump, a huge love of mine! Plus the container itself is fog glass, which feels so cool when I press it to my skin. My negative on this is that it isn't an all day long lasting foundation. I found that it fades about seven hours after application, more so when you're sweating. But other than that, it's great. I would give this product 4 stars out of 5.

E.L.F Mineral Eyeshadow Primer:

http://www.eyeslipsface.com/minerals/eyes/concealers_and_primers/eyeshadow_primer

I would have to say that this shadow primer is my favorite of all these products. It goes on creamy and keeps my eyeshadow lasting all day long, it even makes it hard to take off at night. I am in love with this primer and it's price. I have tried alot of different eyeshadow primers, even bigger names like Urban Decay Primer Potion and Two-Faces Shadow Insurance, but I must say that this primer matches equally if not beats all of them. The colors show up and brighter and more pigmented with this on. With mineral eyeshadow, which is what this was designed for, it is twice as good. With a price like $3 I have to give it 5 out of 5 stars.

E.L.F Studio Complexion Brush:

http://www.eyeslipsface.com/studio/brushes/brushes_and_applicators/complexion_brush

This has definitly become one of my most versatile brushes. I use for my foundation, blush, bronzer and more. The brush has some of the softest and fullest hairs ever. A quote from my haul video that included this brush "like heaven on my face"--which is true. I adore this brush. The handle is one of my favorite parts, it's shaped perfectly so that my hand fits around it. It hate when I find great brushes with pathtic handles. This is not one of those brushes. I have washed it three times and not a single hair has fallen out, that's a another major good point. I have nothing bad to say about this brush, so another 5 out of 5.

E.L.F Studio Powder Brush:

http://www.eyeslipsface.com/studio/brushes/brushes_and_applicators/powder_brush

Like the Complexion Brush this brush has three things that I like; soft hairs, can withstand three washings without any damage yet, and the handle with a great grip. This was my first time using a flat top brush and I must say I am so in love with it because of the springy shape and how "bouncy" it is. I was terrified, when I first washed it, that it would lose it's shape after I was done but it maintained it perfectly. My only problem is that while it's a powder brush I don't like to use it for powder foundation. It nice and all, but I don't think it covers a big enough space. I like to use it for blush. So, because of that small problem, I give 4.5 out of 5 stars.

E.L.F Essentials Eyeliner:

http://www.eyeslipsface.com/elf/eyes/eyeliner/liquid_eyeliner_

I just noticed that my eyeliner I received looks nothing like the picture on the website, oh well, it doesn't bother me. I think this is an okay everyday eyeliner. It has a thin brush that is good for applying it and winigng out your eyeliner. The formula isn't thin, I don't have to go over it twice to get a good color. The color is dark the first time you apply it. My only complaints against this are that it does fade out after a while, you'll probably half to re-apply every six hours or so. The other complaint it that when you first put it on it takes a whiel to dry. My old eyelienr dried really quickly so when I first start using this I smeared it the first couple days without meaning to. Other than those two things it's great for everyday use, and you can't beat the price. So I give it 3.5 out of 5 stars. 

E.L.F Studio Contouring Blush and Bronzing Powder:

http://www.eyeslipsface.com/studio/face/blush/contouring_blush_and_bronzing_powder

I love this stuff. It's honestly one of the best dupes I've ever found. This product is a great dupe to the NARS Laguna and Orgasm duo. I'm so glad I saved my money and went for this cheap alternative. Both of the colors are highly pigmented and easy to apply. At first I thought the bronzer was going to be a bit too dark for my skin tone but as long as I apply it with a light hand it's okay. And the blush is the prettiest pink with light shimmers I have ever seen. I wear these two things every single day. So 5 our of 5 stars for it.

Senior Superlativs and Friends....

Okay so in my school they have each club/team pick out one to three seniors that have excelled above others in the past four years of school. Today in drama Mr.Browne announced the senior superlatives for drama. I am one of them along with my friend, and the ultimate theatre techie, Jacey Potter. I was so happy when this was announced that I literally wanted to scream, which I did, several hours later when I was in a room by myself so that I wouldn't look like a freak. It's hard to believe that I'm a senior superlative, even harder to believe that Browne has apprently had me picked out since the start of the year and he was just looking for someone else to go along with me (or at least insder sources *cough* Victoria Gillet*cough*). I mean I know I've worked my butt off for the drama department for the past four years but it's still hard to believe something like this. I think to to start believing more good about myself.
In other news:

I turned eighteen last Thursday. The actual day of my birthday was terrible; a combination of a broken laptop, teachers that didn't understand, AP classes that are absolutely too hard, and adults that try to get into the business of people half thier age. But then my friends made up for it with an incredible weekend. I'll post some videos of that weekend up once my laptop gets fixed and I can edit through them.
But while it was great I realized today that value the opinion of my friends too much. I know that's a terrible thing to say, because my friends are amazing. But I still don't think I should be so influenced by what they think of me; half the time I drive myself into a deep hole of worry because I'm care so much about what my friends think of me. I cherish their opinions, but sometimes it's hard because they hurt me with their opinions, and I'm sure they don't know it......or maybe they do and they simply don't care. I'm in that deep hole right now, if you can tell. It's times like this that make me wish Washington was here today, only 116 more days until I leave this state.

I also realized I never write in this blog enough. My last entry was (technically) last year! HAPPY 2011!I also thought about how,as one of my new year's resolutions, I have started a youtube channel involving beauty and makeup; I have the link to this blog on the channel but I have nothing even make-up related posted in here. So from now on I'm going to post makeup stuff in here along with whatever it is that I ramble about now.

Quote:

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."
- Judy Garland