Stonewall Keshia

Okay, so honesty time here. The first movie I ever cried during was the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I was about thirteen years old and Bailey was dying. The thing that I still don't get today is that I knew it was coming; I had been the one who had read the book series a year before and dragged my mom and sister out to the movies theater to watch the movie. I knew Bailey was going to die. But yet, it took me by surprise and it made my heart clench. When Bailey tried on the pants and recorded the message for her, I felt like I was dying too. So I cried, like I was a little baby again, and the screen in front of me went blurry. After that I cried at a lot of movies and series. I cried during one of my favorite animes because the ending was so happy. I even cried during Ice Princess.
The thing about crying in public during movies, books, or TV shows is that it just happens. In any other situation in life where I cry, whether I'm upset or angry, I can feel my tears coming. My chin will shake and my eyes will burn, I know I'm gonna cry. Most of the time it gives me a good warning and I have time to abandon ship and run away. But when I cry over things like movies I never know it's gonna happen. I never feel it and most of the time I'm surprised when tears start to run down my face. Crying like that is like a whole new emotion built up inside of me that just comes spilling out. And what I don't get it that when I cry like that it feels the most surreal, the most prominent of pure tears and yet it's always over fictional characters. It's over a world that's not real.
Back then is when I first got the idea in my head that any work of fiction that can move me to tears must be something that is brilliant. Anything that brings out that emotion in me must be great. I still believe that today.
But I was younger then, and now it's different. The only two movies I've allowed myself to publicly cry during in the last two years have been Toy Story 3 and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. One, because it was a literal interpretation growing up, and the other because I literally felt like my childhood was dying. And I really hated crying during those movies, I really did. I hated that unknown emotion in me that came out.
Somewhere along my path of life I decided I wanted to be a stonewall. No emotion. I'm not sure when it happened, only that I wanted it and I still want it. To me, it makes no sense to be a stone wall, but it also makes no sense to have emotions.
Most of the world sees emotions as stupid, whether they want to admit it or not. If a teenage girl is crying over her boyfriend who just dumped her, well that's stupid. If a wife is crying over her husband who is dying of cancer, well it's not. What I don't understand are the different levels of emotions, the different levels of grief. In what moments are you justified to cry? Who judges that, really? Can't a human being just be sad when they want to be sad and happy when they want to be happy? It's not like we're all carbon copies, it's not like you stab us once and we all cry. Some people can be stabbed 1000 times and not shed a tear and others can fall apart at the slightest touch. That's actually one of the few things that has pisses me off most in the world. I've been told, on more than one occasion, that I need to get on medicine to control my emotions. And all I can think when people tell me that is what the fuck? Really, are emotions not allowed anymore? I just don't get it. Would the world rather me be a person who has emotions and cares about things or a person who is a stonewall and doesn't give a shit. Because, I always seemed to be pulled in two opposite directions, and no matter how hard I try I can't find a middle ground. I have no urge to find a middle ground.
I know that's one of the reasons I love acting. With acting you have to be dramatic, you have to have emotions. That's why it's called drama. And no one will judge you for that, you're being a character. Someone who is allowed to have emotions. No one things wrong of you for that, they just enjoy the performance.
There's a lot I don't understand about emotions. I don't even know how to act half the time. Actually more than half. What does the world expect of me and what do I even expect of myself? How would I even know what I expect of myself  when I've lived in a world for eighteen years who tells me the opposite of everything everyday.
Emotions. You didn't make flag captain. You're stupid, a failure, not smart enough to get anywhere in this world. A selfish bitch. You got a lead role. Other people are better than you. You need to quit band. You have to change yourself for me. We're moving, you choose what you want. Wrong decisions, idiot. You fucked up, ruined everything. Can you be anymore stupid? Senior Superlative. I'm dissapointed in you. The only person in this world you care about is yourself. I'm proud of you. You're getting away from them, the only white sheep in the family of black sheep. We all love you. You graduated. You have no choice but say goodbye. You're free, have fun. I don't want to be your friend anymore. You can't live here anymore. You can't go to college anymore. You fucked up your life, I told you not to cry to me. What's your problem. Why?Why?Why? We all  missed you, so much. Never leave again. I really like you. What's your purpose in life? Why did you do this to yourself? Do you ever think about other people? Selfish Bitch.
Someone told me that they don't think anyone ever understands themselves. I know I don't and I'm years away, and I probably won't for the rest of my life.

Fin.