Pandemonium

"You'll never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory"

Sometimes I just get really anxious with my life. I'm not sure how. I try to watch videos, I try to read, I try to occupy myself in any way, shape, or form and it doesn't really work. So I guess I'd be restless, not anxious. But I'm always anxious when I'm restless and always restless when I'm anxious. It just happens. I just can't be a normal human being who can sit there without a functioning thought. It's just, I don't know. And the worst part it that when I'm like this, I try to write in my journal a lot. And it usually ends with me scrawling 'I don't know' for every other sentence.

And now it's getting worse. Not that is inevitably happens everyday, it's just I've noticed and exceeding amount of reslestness and anxiety within myself over the past year or so, and I'm not sure why. Here, take an infinite list of 'I don't knows' into that. And I find it hard sometimes, like there are moments when I literally have to stop what I am doing at the moment and think, "Is this my life?" and then remind myself, going back into my timeline, of how I came to be and how I'm in the position I am today. And I don't know. I feel like I'm becoming senile or something and I'm only nineteen. It just seems so odd to me that I've come to point where I'm not just living my life but I also have to remind myself that this is my life. And it makes me restless, I feel like something should be happening but even if something is happening, I feel this way. It happens anywhere and everywhere. Such as the first weekend here at Montevallo, there was this party of the quad. It was dark, there were bright lights and music, and I was dancing with my friends. Like prom all over agian but less fancy and a little bit more uncomfortable. It was fun, I was having fun. But I was standing there and reminding myself that yes, this is my life. This is how I am. And it kind of ruined me and I left and walked around campus thinking about stuff and my life and my friends. And I cried and I don't even know why. I'm kind of fucked up in the sense that I cry for no reason. My tears are way too selfish.

And it gets even worse than that, because I have weird theories about it. Like there are two of me, searching through a field for each other and this field is life or something. I don't know, I have weird thoughts. And if we ever find each other we might find something else. I don't know, I'll become a whole person. Like questions in my life about my life and about me that could be answered and I'll see something. Have you ever read the theories of self actualization? Something like that. But more of a sense and not so much actual fufillment. Because I think I'll never be fufilled, because there's always more learning I can. Even unto my dying breath I intend on learning more.  But these two Keshias, they're wondering through this field and they pass each other, not where they can see each other but where if they would've turned just another inch or two they could've seen each other. But they don't and they keep going and it's terrible, because I feel like that's why I'm restless. Maybe I just almost grasped something that was bigger and better and the absence of it and it's presence and hope makes it horrible. Like a wrenching in my stomach trying to turn me back around. But I keep fucking walking and let it pull me tighter and tighter until I just break apart. And I don't even know what I almost had and I can't think of it anymore. Nothing will suffice for me, and I have to remind myself that this is my life. And this is what has happened. And this is what I hope to happen even if it doesn't. But it is my life and it keeps going.

Fin.
-Keshia

#96/100 Books in 2012: Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld

I'm a college kid now!

So, hello there, it's been a while....hasn't it always???

So I am now at the beautiful University of Montevallo and I have been for the past two weeks. It's incredible and I love it. There's nothing like being on the campus. It's one of those things that cannot be put into words. It's just; Montevallo is one of those college campuses with lots or trees, abundaunt amounts of sunshine, cobblestone paths, and buildings full or history.

I don't have much to say, other than I can't understand how anyone wouldn't want to learn for the rest of their lives. I know there is real world experience and I know things are good, but I love learning a lot. God, I wanna be in college forever.

Fin
-Keshia

#90/100 Books in 2012: A Series of Unfotunte Events; The Slippery Slope byt Lemony Snicket