"Maybe it was like gathering your strength and hurling yourself against a door you believed to be locked, and then the door easily opens-it wasn't locked at all-and you're standing looking in the room, trying to remember what it was that you thought you wanted."
That, my friends, is a quote from Curtis Sittenfeld, one of my favorite authors of all time. And that also describes my feelings about moving to Washington perfectly. I posted that quote as my FB status a month or so ago when I started to have doubts about Washington. No, let me rephrase, I had doubts about Washington long before that. My doubts started long before I even got on the plane and probably lodged themselves in my brain that night one week before I was leaving and I sat in my aunt and uncle's garage crying my eyes and asking my cousin what the hell I had done with my life.
I knew I chose Washington. It was my choice, I was just heavily misguided by the prospect of a easy and happy life. I thought of the opportunity to get out of the big city and see somewhere new. It was kind of a glimmering idea. But I forgot that it was my life and it my life there was never an easy or happy ending. So I turned down my scholarships, my only means of going to college here in Alabama, and clung unto the promises of people who turned out to be liars. I was stupid.
So when things screwed up I knew I had to go to Washington. It was either that or take a year off from college. I have never wanted to take a year off from college, I couldn't imagine a life without some sort of education present in it everyday.
But the thing is, I was still excited. I knew it was going to be hard but I was excited. Who wouldn't be? I think the prospect of going to or seeing a new place would be exciting to any human being. It's just in our nerves, newness usually brings along the prospect of excitement. So I left, I said goodbye to all my friends. I rode a place for the first time, saw a really big city, saw mountains up close and personal, found a job, and in general felt pretty great about myself. I was taking something that I thought would suck and turn it around. I felt like I was living my own life, a life of freedom where I had no one controlling me. I was independent, I loved it. But the thing is, it barely stayed that way. Three weeks, maximum, I'd have to say, three weeks before I started missing everything.
That's the thing about missing people, it's really hard. Some of my friends still talked to me, other forgot I existed, and some even decided they never wanted to talk to me again. But regardless of their choices I missed them all. And some of them let me know they missed me. I would tell them I missed them but somehow I don't think they really understood, though. You see while they said they missed me but at lest they had other people there, other friends they look to. I had no one. And I doubt I've ever made a huge impact on anyone's life, so I felt like half the time when people told me they missed me that they were telling me just to tell me. But I was there, thinking half the time, sitting at the bus stop with cars passing by me and and old guys on my left rambling on about how late the bus was. There was times like that when I could close my eyes, bend my head down , block everything else out and almost feel like I was in Alabama again. But then I'd have to open my eyes, and I wouldn't be in Alabama, I'd be in Washington with the same question always eating at my stomach, what the hell am I doing here?
That's when more problems presented themselves, and I think they did it at just the right time, just at the peak of my doubt. I didn't get along with my landlady, she made it very clear that she didn't like me and living with a person everyday that didn't like you isn't a very pleasant thing. So I started talking to people, my cousin Lisa specifically. Lisa lived in Olympia, about three miles away from my current home. She listened to my problems with my landlady and offered up her place. I could move there, but I'd have to take a semester off college. So I looked up colleges in her area and everything seemed like it may get a little better. I'd be moving in with someone familiar who wouldn't make me pay as many bills and who actually liked me. The only sacrifice would be to take a semester off from college. Let's go back to the point where I can't imagine my life without education. It seemed like a big sacrifice but I was willing to take it. In truth I was that lonely. It's terrible to admit but in those few months I had only two friends, TWO friends. I knew I wasn't good at making friends but it was hard. I'm shy, no matter how much people wanted to believe it. And even with those tow friends I knew I could never be as close to them as my old friends, they would never know me like the friends I had. It was the realization of that fact that made me realize how lonely I was in Washington. And loneliness like that, it's kind of crippling. You see, because even of you go through life with everything okay when you feel that lonely, and I've never felt that way my entire life, then everything seems pointless. My friends are the reason for most of my happiness and I needed them.
So I thought, why take a semester off, why not take a whole year? I really didn't feel like starting college in the middle of the year anyway. So I talked to my aunt and uncle and made the arrangements and then bought a plane ticket. And now I'm back in Alabama. And people may not understand my reasoning, people may tell me I'm stupid for taking a year off or just whiny or something, but I don't care. You see the reason I went to Washington the reason I made that mistake is because I let people influence me. So along with choosing to come back to Alabama I also decided I was going to make my own choices now. I'm not going to let other people make me ruin myself again.
And just to be clear, for all those who thought my prank was true, I am not moving back because I'm pregnant.
Fin.
-Keshia
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