(BEDA #1) Good Enough

So, writing a blog post everyday in April, here we go.

I want to be a good student. I want to be a better person. I want, I want, I want. You know I want a lot of things. But I don't really do, sad  pathetic person that I am. But I really want to be good--and I know how to fall into my own standards of good but I don't really know if I'll ever feel good. I just, I don't know if I'll ever be good enough for myself and honestly that really, really scares me. Because I'm afraid of going through life and never being good enough. Even if I meet some miraculous person (and I say miraculous because said person will probably never exist) who thinks I am good enough in every aspect, I still won't feel good enough. And that's hard because I'm so hypocritical in ways. I, in general, listen to what people tell me, whether good or bad, whether they are calling me right or wrong. And yet if that miracle person called me good, I wouldn't believe them. Because I am not good, I an just not. And I think that's such a tragic and wonderful thing about being a human being, I can never be fully formed.

I really think even with my dying breath I'll be learning more, seeing more, just experiencing more. And I love that, I really do think it's one of the most incredible things. But it;s also horrible at the same time, because bear in mind, I think human beings are never fully formed, never really finished. For me, and people like me, who have confidence in themselves, what will ever be good? And yet I'm told, I do it to myself, I can have confidence if I want to, I am making myself not have confidence. You know what you don't tell someone who have confidence--that they are doing it to themselves. How could that help them at all?

One thing I've always obsessed with in the "pursuit of happiness" line in the Declaration of Independence. All human beings have that right, the right to "pursue" happiness. So what if happiness for me is being what I consider a good person? Can I only pursue that Mr. Jefferson? Can I never actually achieve that? Why aren't humans being endowed with the right to happiness, only the right to pursue it? I don't really know. I don't know how to be a good person. I mean, I have these standards set in my head of what it is to be good and I know if I tried I could mostly fit in with them. But I can never really see myself being good enough.

This really went all over the place.

Fin.
-Keshia

Currently Reading The Book Thief by Mark Zusak