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This video is kind of and kind of not relevant to this blog at all. Nothing much of anything is relevant to this blog because it's kind of a random one. I've been having this odd stream of thoughts lately and I'm just going to try to mesh it in here, into one set blog. So just hold tight, if you're reading, you will be confused, I'm confused. I am always confused. But about this video, I would like to point out that I am listening to it as I write on this blog, and it is on repeat, because listening to it is just beautiful. And seeing it is even more amazing. And when I saw it in real life (nearly two years ago now) it was incredible and I just can't describe the feelings that went through me as I watched it. Do you remember the blog post before last when I said my favorite memory is from my first night in Disney World two years ago, yeah, well this show is a huge part of it. And I really feel bad for anyone who can watch this and not see the magic in it.

Sometimes I feel like I am all wrong in life. I read books about adventure when I need to be reading a book about human life and it's precious parts. I watch romantic television shows or movies when I'm feeling lonely. I am so jealous of friendships I see all around when really I'm not seeing the friendships but the outer view of them. I look pictures of people in big groups on Facebook, a big smile plastered across everyone's face. But are those smiles really wholesome? And then there's the whole fictional aspect of it, how a lot of this isn't really life, it's me watching or reading something fictional. I really dedicate myself wholly to the fictional world, and I really don't think people can understand how precious that is to me. And it's wrong, right? To live my life so vicariously through worlds and people that don't really exist. But the thing is, they are stories. And how can I not love stories? In general there are a lot of things that I want to do with my life, but really what I want to do above all is share stories. The other day I was talking to someone about book publishing and they were talking about how easy it is to get published and how many people have, people who are far worst writers than me (and believe me, I have noticed a lack of writing skills in literature. I'm trying not to be conceited here, but you have know, You've had to have read something and thought, 'wow, I could do something so much better than this'). And I know this, but there is a total difference to a novel getting published than a novel actually meaning something. I mean, I don't just want to write stories that get published I want to write stories that get published and really, really mean something. Do you know what the Wishes Fireworks show does to me? It gives me goosebumps, every time I watch it, every single damn time. Even though I've watched it only once in real life and hundreds of times on Youtube, goosebumps every time. And I want to do something like that. I want someone to re-read a story of mine over and over again and love it every single damn time, love it down to their very bones, just like I love a lot of the fictional world. And does that mean there is something wrong with me? Not in the hoping to  have stories that mean something to people but in my own love of fiction. But it's just so beautiful. Above all I feel like the fictional world (of any shape or form) is just an artists way of trying to make sense of the world. And how can you be living without trying to find some deeper meaning in the world. I couldn't get by life by simply existing  I have to be so much more. And so I love fiction with my whole heart, and sometimes it makes me sad and sometimes is makes me so happy, it is my refuge.

There is a lot to the world I wish. And wishing isn't really that bad. Wishes are just more magical forms of hope (oh lord, how cheesy does that sound). And I wish a lot of myself and for the world. In being selfish I wish more for myself than in the world. I saw these posts on Tumblr today, one with a member of the Marines proposing to his boyfriend in the White House. Yes, his, and it was beautiful. He made history, you know, the first person to do that (gay marriage proposal in the White House). I wish for a world like that. And then there was another one, one about girl whose sister tried to commit suicide and the moment her sister got back from the hospital she held her in her arms and wouldn't let go. And oh God, how much that must have meant to her. For people who are suicidal I don't think the solution is to always send them to the doctor and getting them on some happy dope medicine. Sometimes it will just work if you just hold someone, even if they refuse. Because I promise you, no matter how much they want to be alone they don't need to be and what they need is a person who will never let go. And those are wishes for the world. But do you wanna know what I wish for myself, wish for myself more than ever. I wish for a bigger vocabulary. I own a thrilling amount of thesauruses and sometimes I read them (though not as much as I should) and yet there are so many times when I just can't express myself, express how I am really feeling. There is this one quote from Perks of Being a Wallflower, my favorite actually, that says something along the lines of this "I am both happy and sad and I am still trying to figure out how that can be" And I feel a lot like that nearly all the time, but tell me, how do you express that? I think maybe it will come with age, the bigger vocabulary at least. I hold full trust that there is a word in the English language that expresses almost everything, I just haven't found all of them yet. But I really intend to. I'm really amazed by myself sometimes, by every one. The human capacity is just incredible. Think of the thousands of word and thoughts rolling through your mind at any given second. Think of each separate emotion you have during the day. I promise that no one starts the day as happy and stays that way the whole day, and even they do there are different levels of happiness. Let me do some of the vocabulary here; good, excited, elated, okay, fine, delighted, jolly, cheerful. Those are all synonyms for happy and yet they are all different in some way, so do you see what I'm trying to mean here? And I just wish I had the vocabulary to sort it all out, to make true sense of it all.

And I think a lot of people might find me immature. My inane wishing and the obvious obsession with things in the fictional world. Those seem silly right. But what's so wrong with hoping. There are few things in this world stronger than fear but hope is one, and why should I be in fear because of my hopes. It's seems like an asinine thing to do. so I want to cry at one of my favorite characters in a book dying. I want to freak out the whole day over watching two characters kiss. I want to wish so badly for the world to be better, more accepting. I just want and wish a lot. And that could make me immature. But I think of it like this, I'm sitting in Panera right now waiting to go to work. The store is crowded and I'm looking at all the people, all separate but connected  And I think it's our stories, wishes, and dreams that connect us all, right. It's our ability to love and our ability to be silly, not immature  To cling to all those wants and wishes because it is the human thing to do. Not the immature thing. I admire those who know the difference between immaturity and having fun, being silly, and loving something (even if fictional) with your whole heart. You should enjoy life to the fullest despite your age. And if I'm grey haired and wrinkled and the way I choose to enjoy life is by dancing and singing through a store, than so be it. Because that's what life really is to me, at least real living anyway.

I've written a lot more in this blog than I have in previous years. I've already gone past the amount in posts in 2012 alone, and that's because I promised myself that I would write more in 2013, I would try to figure out things more. And so I will. I'm also going to attempt to blog every day in April and August, the B(log)E(veryday)D(ay in)A(pril/August), BEDA, challenge  I've tried it before in August 2011 and failed miserably, but that's when my posting average was once a month maybe, I think I'm more prepared this time. And I intend to live it fully. So just a pre-warning. April and August will be full of blog posts. I'm looking forward to it.

Fin.
-Keshia

Currently Reading The Tenth City by Patrick Carmen

*I've moved from the Wishes show to the Fantasmic soundtrack during the course of this blog. You really should watch it to, goosebumps again. The best theatrical performance I've ever seen in my life.