Disguise

So I'm sitting my room, I open a tab to Youtube. I turn the volume of my computer all the way up, plug in my headphones, find a song, and click play. This is my favorite part of the day--the part where I can take a few moments to not think about the rest of the world at all. I usually write in my journal, or I dance around. I do anything but think about things in my life. And I love it, I love it so much. I wish I could spend more time per day being like that, I wish it made up my life. I live for not existing.

There's no doubt in my mind that I spend way too much time on the internet, I'd have to say I probably average about eight hours per day, assuming I don't have work. I can work around school because I can get on before classes, in between classes, and after class.  A lot of my internet time is given to watching TV shows, as I've recently become engrossed in so many fandoms that I'm going a bit insane. Then there's the portion on Youtube, listening to my music, and escaping. Then there's some Facebook, Twitter,Goodreads, Pinterest, and Tumblr. God, I love Tumblr so much, it's like the ultimate mind numbing experience. I sit on there and scroll and reblog, there's no real involvement needed. You're just there, images and gifs blurring together, all things you like and resonate with you. And then there are my late nights, doing a little research on things I'm interested in or something I want to know. I go on Wikipedia, read the article, click on a link to there that brings me to a related topic, and so on and so forth. I can spends hours like this, and most of the time the last topic I finish on is nothing like the topic I started on. My mind is a never filling pit of useless, though on rare occasions, useful, information. And  it will never stop being hungry.

Okay so my whole point to this is to say that I spend a majority of my life on the internet. And I see no problem with that. I am creating things, like this blog and my Youtube videos. I get to talk about one of greatest passions (books) on Goodreads. And all the while, no matter on what website, I am connecting to these people from all over. Some of them are people I know in real life, some are as far away as England, Korea, or Australia. I love the internet because it's like this great window of life. Each panel is a different person, a person who I can watch and connect to. It's so amazing to know that people out there feel the same as I do, that people out there feel lost and alone or they are overwhelmed by the amount of amazing in the world. I love the internet for that. But in a way, the internet is a way for me to be disguised. When I'm sad my first instinct is to go to Youtube and listen to music, to write in my blog, or go post things on Tumblr. And I think I hide a lot of what is really myself on the internet. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say there--only that if I meet someone new in real life I am uncomfortable and anxious. If I meet someone new on the internet I am happy and open, I want to meet new people on the internet. As for in real life, I really don't know. And I know to a lot of people that seems like a serious problem, I need to get out more, I need to do this or that. But I wear my mask happily, I put it on everyday because it's where I feel safe and comfortable. And I love my internet friends just as much as I love my friends in real life.

And I don't know where I was going with this blog. This isn't some reprieve to stop being on the internet so much, nor is it a shunning or real life interaction. It's just kind of a discussion on both, and how one makes me feels comfortable, but disguised, from the real world. But hey, I wear my disguise happily.

And yes, it's been a while. I've been busy. I'm been hiding a lot lately. What's it to you?

Fin.

Keshia

Currently Reading Against Happiness by Eric G. Wilson.