A lot of times I feel like the picture above. I mean, it's a silly screenshot for a hilarious anime, but really when you think about it the picture says a lot. There's this whole difference to being on the internet than being in real life. I mean, the real world vs. the virtual world, and I touched on it a little bit yesterday, but not a lot, because I was more focused on reasons to share on social media, specifically Youtube. Today this is more of a personal thing, because I'm going to talk about me on the internet as opposed to me in real life.
Let me try to put it this way, in some examples. I've always wanted to make a collab channel on Youtube, I think they are amazing and beautiful. It is a whole new way of connecting, really. And I just like the idea of it, friends just sharing videos with each other and with other people, all in one effort to make an awesome channel. And so this month I messaged three other girls on Youtube, three (and then one of the girls telling me about a fourth) girls who make videos similar to me and perhaps don't get the amount of views that they deserve on their videos. And girls who are just awesome people. They are all people that within the last month or so I have subscribed too/contacted because I miss the connecting aspect on the internet a lot. And this is the thing, I only just had the idea this morning and they all agreed and we've already got days picked out and everything. It was so easy and when we start next month I hope everything goes well, I really hope that it does. But like I said, it was easy. I didn't feel nervous sending them the message to talk about the collab and I don't feel overwhelmed. But if I ever tried that in real life, like say with people who lived in Montevallo, it would be a whole other story.
First there's the aspect of even approaching them in the first place (like I've done in the past month or so with these girls) because I NEVER would have done that in real life. I just can't. Do you know how hard it is to approach people. There's this girl named Katie who met via Tumblr a few months ago and she's at Montevallo now, I follower her and her roommate on Tumblr, Twitter, and Facebook and often comment/like their things. Communication is so EASY on the internet. And yet the other day I was in the cafe alone and they were there and I asked to sit with them and it was awkward and horrible and I felt like I made them so uncomfortable and I kept apologizing for making awkward. And they are both younger then me too, at least two years younger, and one thing I really dislike is when I feel inferior or naive compared to people younger than me. And I know it's bound to happen, because there are thousands of people younger than me who are better than me in some way or the other, but it makes me feel all the more worse. But then yesterday I messaged Katie on FB and told her we should hang sometime; me, her, and Bailey, before the end of the school year. And that messaging, it was easy. But I have a feeling that when it happens it's going to be horrible and awkward and I'm gonna blame it on myself all again. And well, I don't know. I hope that doesn't happen, and I'm really gonna try. But are you getting the point now, I'm already so anxious about hanging out with two people in real life, people who I have no problem whatsoever talking to on the internet.
And the thing is, I wasn't like this. I didn't always have this social anxiety. I mean in high school, I was the most outgoing person on the planet, but I had no problem meeting new people, in fact most of the acting goofy around them because I was just happy to meet new people. And sitting int he crowded cafeteria, walking in the hallways and saying hay to random people, no problem. And now I hate crowded place, the cafe and the Wow scare me half the time. I hate going out in public a lot, even if for it's smallest bits. And the most common thing people tell me when I say I used to not be like this is that I need to 'get out there' and 'go make friends' and all that jazz. But it's just so hard and I don't even know why. The thing is, most of the time I can somewhat handle people by themselves, but have more than one person and it's like I just can't handle it. A lot of times it's like this, like I just have all this weird pressure on me and like there's this rock crushing me and I just don't know. And it's even gotten to the point where sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, I just can't breathe--and a lot of times this leads to me running away and just sobbing in my room. But I try, I do try. Once a week I go to the Korean Culture Club and Creative Writing Club. This upcoming week I'm volunteering for the Literary Festival and going to the Spectrum (GSA Alliance) Ball on Friday. I really do try. And I wish people would see how much I try and how much I still want to try.
I think it's because of this. I moved to Washington right out of high school and only kept in contact with a few, maybe like five, friends. No one else made an effort to care about me. And in Washington, other than a few coworkers, I made one damn friend the entire time. And then I came back to Alabama and took a year off and I still only kept in contact with those few friends. I mean, I wanted to talk to all the people I had known from high school and all but they all seemed busy or to no longer care. And so my closest friends became my coworkers, the people I talked to everyday, and it just got harder. And when I came to Montevallo I had so much hope, I was going to make friends and have tons of fun. I was going to make college amazing. And the friends I came here with, most of them those 'few' who I maintained contact with, we were all going to be close. But we weren't, and I was left behind. And it got so much harder at Montevallo, everyone was making new friends and it was like I lost my ability. I'm just bad at making friends. But I'm trying, trying so hard and no one can see it. No one can see how scared I am all the time. And so I hide on the internet, the internet where things are not scary and communication is easy. It's all easy.
Fin.
-Keshia
Currently Reading The View From the Seventh Layer by Kevin Brockmieir
And The Cry of the South by Lila Dostel
*Note: I thought I had posted this on the 7th, but apparently it only saved it as a draft then, so yeah. I didn't technically post it until the 8th, but I wrote it on the 7th. I am no breaking rules*
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