I have this friend, her name is Lily. Next year (well this fall) she will begin attending the University of Montevallo, and really, I couldn't be more thankful. You see she's kind of incredible, because she came today, for her registration tomorrow, and we spent a good part of the day together. I don't think she can truly comprehend how much it meant to me.
I haven't been good lately, it basically any aspect. It's been harder even still because I feel like everytime I actually do try, it just worse when I fail. And then the fear of failing only prevents me from seeing things more. Okay, so does that make any sense. It really doesn't, does it? i mean I could strip it down to it's basic parts, right? I've been sad lately, too sad for my own good. Because it's okay to have emotions but not really when my days are bent into cycles of okay to hysterical to just sleeping so damn much because my dreams are the only place I can escape to. And it's hard because I try to be happy and happiness fails and it's just frustrating and sad all over again. Now let me tell you this, I used to feel well liked. I used to think that people actually thought I was a decent person to be around. And now I feel opposite, because sometimes i think just my presence makes people angry. Just because I exist I upset people. And I know it's a pretty negative attitude to have. But that's the problem with attitude's right? You get into one and it's just really hard work to get out of them. But to how I used to be, I used to think I was a good person, I used to think people liked me, or at least in a small sense. At the end of high school when I was moving away to Washington and it seemed I was never coming back people left me countless messages of how much they liked me and how much they were going to miss me. I sure about half were just trying to be decent human beings but really didn't mean it. And the other half, well I actually had faith that they liked me. There were even people who sent me these messages that say 'Hey, I look up to you' and I thought, 'Really, what have I done to be looked up to so much?' Because I didn't get it, I didn't how one could look up to a person like me. And I still don't. But the thing is, it was good to hear, good to know that even if I couldn't find valid reasons there were people who in some way admired me. And it gave me a thing, a good thing called confidence.
And I haven't had it lately. I really haven't. And yes, I know people and their opinions of you are a silly way to derive confidence, but it's just so hard for me not to take into account what people think of me, particularly people who I care for. And really, what's so wrong with wanting to be well loved?
But to get back to the point before I go all rambling and make no sense at all. I hung out with Lily today and it was brilliant beyond brilliant. I got back old feelings, one I hadn't felt since high school. Ones where I thought, hey, I'm a decent person and I can actually do something. And Lily did that for me, she brought back some parts of my old self. Some parts i miss dearly. And I just thank her so much for that, just thank her for being such a lovely friend.
Fin.
-Keshia
Currently Reading The Cry of the South by Lila Dostel
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