Okay, so honesty time here. The first movie I ever cried during was the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I was about thirteen years old and Bailey was dying. The thing that I still don't get today is that I knew it was coming; I had been the one who had read the book series a year before and dragged my mom and sister out to the movies theater to watch the movie. I knew Bailey was going to die. But yet, it took me by surprise and it made my heart clench. When Bailey tried on the pants and recorded the message for her, I felt like I was dying too. So I cried, like I was a little baby again, and the screen in front of me went blurry. After that I cried at a lot of movies and series. I cried during one of my favorite animes because the ending was so happy. I even cried during Ice Princess.
The thing about crying in public during movies, books, or TV shows is that it just happens. In any other situation in life where I cry, whether I'm upset or angry, I can feel my tears coming. My chin will shake and my eyes will burn, I know I'm gonna cry. Most of the time it gives me a good warning and I have time to abandon ship and run away. But when I cry over things like movies I never know it's gonna happen. I never feel it and most of the time I'm surprised when tears start to run down my face. Crying like that is like a whole new emotion built up inside of me that just comes spilling out. And what I don't get it that when I cry like that it feels the most surreal, the most prominent of pure tears and yet it's always over fictional characters. It's over a world that's not real.
Back then is when I first got the idea in my head that any work of fiction that can move me to tears must be something that is brilliant. Anything that brings out that emotion in me must be great. I still believe that today.
But I was younger then, and now it's different. The only two movies I've allowed myself to publicly cry during in the last two years have been Toy Story 3 and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. One, because it was a literal interpretation growing up, and the other because I literally felt like my childhood was dying. And I really hated crying during those movies, I really did. I hated that unknown emotion in me that came out.
Somewhere along my path of life I decided I wanted to be a stonewall. No emotion. I'm not sure when it happened, only that I wanted it and I still want it. To me, it makes no sense to be a stone wall, but it also makes no sense to have emotions.
Most of the world sees emotions as stupid, whether they want to admit it or not. If a teenage girl is crying over her boyfriend who just dumped her, well that's stupid. If a wife is crying over her husband who is dying of cancer, well it's not. What I don't understand are the different levels of emotions, the different levels of grief. In what moments are you justified to cry? Who judges that, really? Can't a human being just be sad when they want to be sad and happy when they want to be happy? It's not like we're all carbon copies, it's not like you stab us once and we all cry. Some people can be stabbed 1000 times and not shed a tear and others can fall apart at the slightest touch. That's actually one of the few things that has pisses me off most in the world. I've been told, on more than one occasion, that I need to get on medicine to control my emotions. And all I can think when people tell me that is what the fuck? Really, are emotions not allowed anymore? I just don't get it. Would the world rather me be a person who has emotions and cares about things or a person who is a stonewall and doesn't give a shit. Because, I always seemed to be pulled in two opposite directions, and no matter how hard I try I can't find a middle ground. I have no urge to find a middle ground.
I know that's one of the reasons I love acting. With acting you have to be dramatic, you have to have emotions. That's why it's called drama. And no one will judge you for that, you're being a character. Someone who is allowed to have emotions. No one things wrong of you for that, they just enjoy the performance.
There's a lot I don't understand about emotions. I don't even know how to act half the time. Actually more than half. What does the world expect of me and what do I even expect of myself? How would I even know what I expect of myself when I've lived in a world for eighteen years who tells me the opposite of everything everyday.
Emotions. You didn't make flag captain. You're stupid, a failure, not smart enough to get anywhere in this world. A selfish bitch. You got a lead role. Other people are better than you. You need to quit band. You have to change yourself for me. We're moving, you choose what you want. Wrong decisions, idiot. You fucked up, ruined everything. Can you be anymore stupid? Senior Superlative. I'm dissapointed in you. The only person in this world you care about is yourself. I'm proud of you. You're getting away from them, the only white sheep in the family of black sheep. We all love you. You graduated. You have no choice but say goodbye. You're free, have fun. I don't want to be your friend anymore. You can't live here anymore. You can't go to college anymore. You fucked up your life, I told you not to cry to me. What's your problem. Why?Why?Why? We all missed you, so much. Never leave again. I really like you. What's your purpose in life? Why did you do this to yourself? Do you ever think about other people? Selfish Bitch.
Someone told me that they don't think anyone ever understands themselves. I know I don't and I'm years away, and I probably won't for the rest of my life.
Fin.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Teachers > Insects
So, on Buffy the Vampire Slayer Episode 4 Season 1 an odd praying mantis monster posed as a very 'sexy' science teacher who likes to make love and then rip off the heads of her male students is 'slayed.' But I'm not going to talk about bug lady. Before she posed as a human she murdered Buffy's original science teacher, which is why it was easy for her to land the job. Buffy had a very good science teach, no scratch that, a great science teacher. Even in truth he was just a paid actor acting the role of a very great science teacher.
Now I don't have a very good perspective on science teachers. I try to, but in truth there are only certain fields of science I am interested in, and the others, well, bore me to ears. My science teachers over the past few years have leveled somewhere from unreasonably bad to okay. And I'm not talking about their methods of teaching, they were all pretty good teachers, I'm talking about their attitudes about teaching.
Now as a person who is currently not enrolled in any form of education system I think I can properly rant.
As any Buffy fan would know when Buffy came to Sunnydale she had quite the colorful permanent record. Any true Buffy fan would know that the entire series of Buffy is actually based off of a movie that came in the 80's with the same title and the series picks up where the movie ended (Buffy burning down the school gym which was full of vampires) even though originally Sarah Michelle Gellar did not play our most favorite Slayer. But, back on subject. When Buffy came to Sunnydale all the teachers shunned her and thought her a bad seed because of her record. But her science teacher, before being eaten by the giant praying mantis, told Buffy not to let other people's opinions of her bring her down and that she could rise to be whatever she wanted to be.Now, those are the types of teachers I like. That's how I think all teachers should be. I myself want to be a teacher but it seems that world is lacking on teachers like that and it really discourages me.
Essentially the teacher should be a person who wants to, well, teach. I believe that another essential part of being a teacher is seeing the potential in each and every student and no matter how big or small that potential may be then they should encourage and push that student towards their potential. I've never understood how teachers can teach with an attitude of dislike and resentment toward their students.
Let's take one of my previous science teachers, for example. She was a great teacher, had an awesome teaching method and has been working for many years. But she wasn't, in my mind, a good teacher. She wasn't what a teacher should be. She had a great passion for science, I respected that. I respect anyone who is in love with what they do for a living. But the problem was, she only cared for science and nothing else. When I told her I wanted to study English she almost scoffed at me. But when other students revealed that they wanted to go into fields that involved a lot of science she greeted them with smiles and open arms. I didn't do well in her class, I stayed after for tutoring multiple times and I still only scraped by. I remember one day that she pulled me after class and showed me the latest test that I had performed very poorly on. She told me was dissapionted in me and couldn't understand how I didn't understand things as I had stayed the day before for a very long session of tutoring.
My whole point is that I don't want to be a teacher like that. She made no effort to understand me or really help me with what I needed help with me. And worst of all she never encouraged me, she never saw my potential. She only saw and kid who liked reading books and writing and who could never fit into her close-minded world of science. Instead, I want to be a teacher like the paid actor in the Buffy series. I want to be a teacher who sees greatness for everyone and helps them achieve that greatness no matter the circumstances.
In the end though, the insect lady wasn't even very sexy. She only attracted guys because she was all covered in pheromones, which for you people who are really science illiterate, is a chemical released by many females of the animal species that attracts the opposite sex.
Fin.
Now I don't have a very good perspective on science teachers. I try to, but in truth there are only certain fields of science I am interested in, and the others, well, bore me to ears. My science teachers over the past few years have leveled somewhere from unreasonably bad to okay. And I'm not talking about their methods of teaching, they were all pretty good teachers, I'm talking about their attitudes about teaching.
Now as a person who is currently not enrolled in any form of education system I think I can properly rant.
As any Buffy fan would know when Buffy came to Sunnydale she had quite the colorful permanent record. Any true Buffy fan would know that the entire series of Buffy is actually based off of a movie that came in the 80's with the same title and the series picks up where the movie ended (Buffy burning down the school gym which was full of vampires) even though originally Sarah Michelle Gellar did not play our most favorite Slayer. But, back on subject. When Buffy came to Sunnydale all the teachers shunned her and thought her a bad seed because of her record. But her science teacher, before being eaten by the giant praying mantis, told Buffy not to let other people's opinions of her bring her down and that she could rise to be whatever she wanted to be.Now, those are the types of teachers I like. That's how I think all teachers should be. I myself want to be a teacher but it seems that world is lacking on teachers like that and it really discourages me.
Essentially the teacher should be a person who wants to, well, teach. I believe that another essential part of being a teacher is seeing the potential in each and every student and no matter how big or small that potential may be then they should encourage and push that student towards their potential. I've never understood how teachers can teach with an attitude of dislike and resentment toward their students.
Let's take one of my previous science teachers, for example. She was a great teacher, had an awesome teaching method and has been working for many years. But she wasn't, in my mind, a good teacher. She wasn't what a teacher should be. She had a great passion for science, I respected that. I respect anyone who is in love with what they do for a living. But the problem was, she only cared for science and nothing else. When I told her I wanted to study English she almost scoffed at me. But when other students revealed that they wanted to go into fields that involved a lot of science she greeted them with smiles and open arms. I didn't do well in her class, I stayed after for tutoring multiple times and I still only scraped by. I remember one day that she pulled me after class and showed me the latest test that I had performed very poorly on. She told me was dissapionted in me and couldn't understand how I didn't understand things as I had stayed the day before for a very long session of tutoring.
My whole point is that I don't want to be a teacher like that. She made no effort to understand me or really help me with what I needed help with me. And worst of all she never encouraged me, she never saw my potential. She only saw and kid who liked reading books and writing and who could never fit into her close-minded world of science. Instead, I want to be a teacher like the paid actor in the Buffy series. I want to be a teacher who sees greatness for everyone and helps them achieve that greatness no matter the circumstances.
In the end though, the insect lady wasn't even very sexy. She only attracted guys because she was all covered in pheromones, which for you people who are really science illiterate, is a chemical released by many females of the animal species that attracts the opposite sex.
Fin.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
On Washington
"Maybe it was like gathering your strength and hurling yourself against a door you believed to be locked, and then the door easily opens-it wasn't locked at all-and you're standing looking in the room, trying to remember what it was that you thought you wanted."
That, my friends, is a quote from Curtis Sittenfeld, one of my favorite authors of all time. And that also describes my feelings about moving to Washington perfectly. I posted that quote as my FB status a month or so ago when I started to have doubts about Washington. No, let me rephrase, I had doubts about Washington long before that. My doubts started long before I even got on the plane and probably lodged themselves in my brain that night one week before I was leaving and I sat in my aunt and uncle's garage crying my eyes and asking my cousin what the hell I had done with my life.
I knew I chose Washington. It was my choice, I was just heavily misguided by the prospect of a easy and happy life. I thought of the opportunity to get out of the big city and see somewhere new. It was kind of a glimmering idea. But I forgot that it was my life and it my life there was never an easy or happy ending. So I turned down my scholarships, my only means of going to college here in Alabama, and clung unto the promises of people who turned out to be liars. I was stupid.
So when things screwed up I knew I had to go to Washington. It was either that or take a year off from college. I have never wanted to take a year off from college, I couldn't imagine a life without some sort of education present in it everyday.
But the thing is, I was still excited. I knew it was going to be hard but I was excited. Who wouldn't be? I think the prospect of going to or seeing a new place would be exciting to any human being. It's just in our nerves, newness usually brings along the prospect of excitement. So I left, I said goodbye to all my friends. I rode a place for the first time, saw a really big city, saw mountains up close and personal, found a job, and in general felt pretty great about myself. I was taking something that I thought would suck and turn it around. I felt like I was living my own life, a life of freedom where I had no one controlling me. I was independent, I loved it. But the thing is, it barely stayed that way. Three weeks, maximum, I'd have to say, three weeks before I started missing everything.
That's the thing about missing people, it's really hard. Some of my friends still talked to me, other forgot I existed, and some even decided they never wanted to talk to me again. But regardless of their choices I missed them all. And some of them let me know they missed me. I would tell them I missed them but somehow I don't think they really understood, though. You see while they said they missed me but at lest they had other people there, other friends they look to. I had no one. And I doubt I've ever made a huge impact on anyone's life, so I felt like half the time when people told me they missed me that they were telling me just to tell me. But I was there, thinking half the time, sitting at the bus stop with cars passing by me and and old guys on my left rambling on about how late the bus was. There was times like that when I could close my eyes, bend my head down , block everything else out and almost feel like I was in Alabama again. But then I'd have to open my eyes, and I wouldn't be in Alabama, I'd be in Washington with the same question always eating at my stomach, what the hell am I doing here?
That's when more problems presented themselves, and I think they did it at just the right time, just at the peak of my doubt. I didn't get along with my landlady, she made it very clear that she didn't like me and living with a person everyday that didn't like you isn't a very pleasant thing. So I started talking to people, my cousin Lisa specifically. Lisa lived in Olympia, about three miles away from my current home. She listened to my problems with my landlady and offered up her place. I could move there, but I'd have to take a semester off college. So I looked up colleges in her area and everything seemed like it may get a little better. I'd be moving in with someone familiar who wouldn't make me pay as many bills and who actually liked me. The only sacrifice would be to take a semester off from college. Let's go back to the point where I can't imagine my life without education. It seemed like a big sacrifice but I was willing to take it. In truth I was that lonely. It's terrible to admit but in those few months I had only two friends, TWO friends. I knew I wasn't good at making friends but it was hard. I'm shy, no matter how much people wanted to believe it. And even with those tow friends I knew I could never be as close to them as my old friends, they would never know me like the friends I had. It was the realization of that fact that made me realize how lonely I was in Washington. And loneliness like that, it's kind of crippling. You see, because even of you go through life with everything okay when you feel that lonely, and I've never felt that way my entire life, then everything seems pointless. My friends are the reason for most of my happiness and I needed them.
So I thought, why take a semester off, why not take a whole year? I really didn't feel like starting college in the middle of the year anyway. So I talked to my aunt and uncle and made the arrangements and then bought a plane ticket. And now I'm back in Alabama. And people may not understand my reasoning, people may tell me I'm stupid for taking a year off or just whiny or something, but I don't care. You see the reason I went to Washington the reason I made that mistake is because I let people influence me. So along with choosing to come back to Alabama I also decided I was going to make my own choices now. I'm not going to let other people make me ruin myself again.
And just to be clear, for all those who thought my prank was true, I am not moving back because I'm pregnant.
Fin.
-Keshia
That, my friends, is a quote from Curtis Sittenfeld, one of my favorite authors of all time. And that also describes my feelings about moving to Washington perfectly. I posted that quote as my FB status a month or so ago when I started to have doubts about Washington. No, let me rephrase, I had doubts about Washington long before that. My doubts started long before I even got on the plane and probably lodged themselves in my brain that night one week before I was leaving and I sat in my aunt and uncle's garage crying my eyes and asking my cousin what the hell I had done with my life.
I knew I chose Washington. It was my choice, I was just heavily misguided by the prospect of a easy and happy life. I thought of the opportunity to get out of the big city and see somewhere new. It was kind of a glimmering idea. But I forgot that it was my life and it my life there was never an easy or happy ending. So I turned down my scholarships, my only means of going to college here in Alabama, and clung unto the promises of people who turned out to be liars. I was stupid.
So when things screwed up I knew I had to go to Washington. It was either that or take a year off from college. I have never wanted to take a year off from college, I couldn't imagine a life without some sort of education present in it everyday.
But the thing is, I was still excited. I knew it was going to be hard but I was excited. Who wouldn't be? I think the prospect of going to or seeing a new place would be exciting to any human being. It's just in our nerves, newness usually brings along the prospect of excitement. So I left, I said goodbye to all my friends. I rode a place for the first time, saw a really big city, saw mountains up close and personal, found a job, and in general felt pretty great about myself. I was taking something that I thought would suck and turn it around. I felt like I was living my own life, a life of freedom where I had no one controlling me. I was independent, I loved it. But the thing is, it barely stayed that way. Three weeks, maximum, I'd have to say, three weeks before I started missing everything.
That's the thing about missing people, it's really hard. Some of my friends still talked to me, other forgot I existed, and some even decided they never wanted to talk to me again. But regardless of their choices I missed them all. And some of them let me know they missed me. I would tell them I missed them but somehow I don't think they really understood, though. You see while they said they missed me but at lest they had other people there, other friends they look to. I had no one. And I doubt I've ever made a huge impact on anyone's life, so I felt like half the time when people told me they missed me that they were telling me just to tell me. But I was there, thinking half the time, sitting at the bus stop with cars passing by me and and old guys on my left rambling on about how late the bus was. There was times like that when I could close my eyes, bend my head down , block everything else out and almost feel like I was in Alabama again. But then I'd have to open my eyes, and I wouldn't be in Alabama, I'd be in Washington with the same question always eating at my stomach, what the hell am I doing here?
That's when more problems presented themselves, and I think they did it at just the right time, just at the peak of my doubt. I didn't get along with my landlady, she made it very clear that she didn't like me and living with a person everyday that didn't like you isn't a very pleasant thing. So I started talking to people, my cousin Lisa specifically. Lisa lived in Olympia, about three miles away from my current home. She listened to my problems with my landlady and offered up her place. I could move there, but I'd have to take a semester off college. So I looked up colleges in her area and everything seemed like it may get a little better. I'd be moving in with someone familiar who wouldn't make me pay as many bills and who actually liked me. The only sacrifice would be to take a semester off from college. Let's go back to the point where I can't imagine my life without education. It seemed like a big sacrifice but I was willing to take it. In truth I was that lonely. It's terrible to admit but in those few months I had only two friends, TWO friends. I knew I wasn't good at making friends but it was hard. I'm shy, no matter how much people wanted to believe it. And even with those tow friends I knew I could never be as close to them as my old friends, they would never know me like the friends I had. It was the realization of that fact that made me realize how lonely I was in Washington. And loneliness like that, it's kind of crippling. You see, because even of you go through life with everything okay when you feel that lonely, and I've never felt that way my entire life, then everything seems pointless. My friends are the reason for most of my happiness and I needed them.
So I thought, why take a semester off, why not take a whole year? I really didn't feel like starting college in the middle of the year anyway. So I talked to my aunt and uncle and made the arrangements and then bought a plane ticket. And now I'm back in Alabama. And people may not understand my reasoning, people may tell me I'm stupid for taking a year off or just whiny or something, but I don't care. You see the reason I went to Washington the reason I made that mistake is because I let people influence me. So along with choosing to come back to Alabama I also decided I was going to make my own choices now. I'm not going to let other people make me ruin myself again.
And just to be clear, for all those who thought my prank was true, I am not moving back because I'm pregnant.
Fin.
-Keshia
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
(500) Days of Summer
Last Night I watched (500) Days of Summer for the first time. Even though I've never watched the movie before I've been obsessed with it. Why? And how is that possible? Well, basically the soundtrack for this movie is an indie music lover's dream. I love listening to the various songs from the soundtrack like Sweet Disposition, She's Got You High, or Sugartown. So yesterday I was sitting there and listening to one of the soundtracks as usual, and the song was playing off an music video of the movie, and wondering why I had never actually watched the movie. So I decided to watch it.
Let's just say, I'm hooked, I love the movie. And I have some thoughts on it. Even though the movie was seen mostly from Tom's perspective, and we're supposed to feel bad for him, all sappy and in love. I did feel bad for him, but I related more to Summer. In the movie the character of Summer believes love is a myth and that while you're young you shouldn't be held down and you should just have fun. I really get that. That's completely what I believe. I'm not sure at what point in this society that casual dating was eliminated but at some point it was. I mean, now a days you have to be labeled, are you a couple or not. What my "problem" is and I think Summer's was, was that with a label of couple of being in a relationship also comes the commitment. The idea of commitment to me is terrifying. I really can't imagine being with the same person for the rest of my life. I guess I haven't found that special person yet, heck, I'm eighteen, I hope not. But still, I think even in seven years or so the idea of being committed to someone will scare me. But I get her, I get Summer. In the end someone's emotions are going to be stronger than the other, it's always that way. And when they make those stronger emotions present it's either going to do one of two things, either a) scare the other person, make them feel uncomfortable, and put them on the spot to feel those emotions back or b) make them realize how much the other person cares and realize they don't feel those emotions yet but they will grow into them so they lie for the moment and wait. Very rarely do two people feel the same level of feeling toward each other. And when they do then that's fate, that's them being meant to be. But the hard part comes with keeping those emotions lasting forever, that's why commitment is such a bad thing, it tests people and most of the time people fail. Summer, like I myself, is in the option a territory. I've never felt that strongly about a person and if I learn they feel that way toward me then I just automatically feel uncomfortable. I mean, how can you handle a situation like that? Unless of course you find someone perfect who will understand but let's face the facts, humans are greedy and a person who is deeply infatuated just isn't going to understand why that infatuation isn't returned. For me the end result is usually me breaking up with a person because simply because they cared for me too much. And I know that's terrible, and I hurt people. And that's the exact opposite of what I want to do, I don't want to hurt people. That's why I hate relationships, that's why I want casual dating to come back again in this world. The words 'I love you' are really terrifying, you know.
Also, speaking of summer, the real summer, like the season, has gone by extremely fast this year. It's turning into fall already. I've never loved summer, in fact, it's typically my least favorite season. But this summer has gone by so fast that I feel like I missed it. I want it back. It has also been one of the least eventful summers of my entire life, which makes less sense. Isn't time supposed to fly by when you're having fun? Not when you're boring. I mean, other than moving thirteen states away I really haven't done anything this summer. I've worked, sat at home, or went to Hmart with Amanda. I want my summer back.
But right now I have a Mindy Gledhill playlist on and I'm going to finish listening to it and either nap or continue my earlier task. Fin.
-Keshia
Let's just say, I'm hooked, I love the movie. And I have some thoughts on it. Even though the movie was seen mostly from Tom's perspective, and we're supposed to feel bad for him, all sappy and in love. I did feel bad for him, but I related more to Summer. In the movie the character of Summer believes love is a myth and that while you're young you shouldn't be held down and you should just have fun. I really get that. That's completely what I believe. I'm not sure at what point in this society that casual dating was eliminated but at some point it was. I mean, now a days you have to be labeled, are you a couple or not. What my "problem" is and I think Summer's was, was that with a label of couple of being in a relationship also comes the commitment. The idea of commitment to me is terrifying. I really can't imagine being with the same person for the rest of my life. I guess I haven't found that special person yet, heck, I'm eighteen, I hope not. But still, I think even in seven years or so the idea of being committed to someone will scare me. But I get her, I get Summer. In the end someone's emotions are going to be stronger than the other, it's always that way. And when they make those stronger emotions present it's either going to do one of two things, either a) scare the other person, make them feel uncomfortable, and put them on the spot to feel those emotions back or b) make them realize how much the other person cares and realize they don't feel those emotions yet but they will grow into them so they lie for the moment and wait. Very rarely do two people feel the same level of feeling toward each other. And when they do then that's fate, that's them being meant to be. But the hard part comes with keeping those emotions lasting forever, that's why commitment is such a bad thing, it tests people and most of the time people fail. Summer, like I myself, is in the option a territory. I've never felt that strongly about a person and if I learn they feel that way toward me then I just automatically feel uncomfortable. I mean, how can you handle a situation like that? Unless of course you find someone perfect who will understand but let's face the facts, humans are greedy and a person who is deeply infatuated just isn't going to understand why that infatuation isn't returned. For me the end result is usually me breaking up with a person because simply because they cared for me too much. And I know that's terrible, and I hurt people. And that's the exact opposite of what I want to do, I don't want to hurt people. That's why I hate relationships, that's why I want casual dating to come back again in this world. The words 'I love you' are really terrifying, you know.
Also, speaking of summer, the real summer, like the season, has gone by extremely fast this year. It's turning into fall already. I've never loved summer, in fact, it's typically my least favorite season. But this summer has gone by so fast that I feel like I missed it. I want it back. It has also been one of the least eventful summers of my entire life, which makes less sense. Isn't time supposed to fly by when you're having fun? Not when you're boring. I mean, other than moving thirteen states away I really haven't done anything this summer. I've worked, sat at home, or went to Hmart with Amanda. I want my summer back.
But right now I have a Mindy Gledhill playlist on and I'm going to finish listening to it and either nap or continue my earlier task. Fin.
-Keshia
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
I need my sleep but I'm too scared of UFO's...
Right now it's late, no it feels late. In reality it's only nine something. To an eight year old Keshia that would be infinitely late. To an eighteen year old Keshia it's early. I still remember the first time I asked my Mom if I could stay up pass my bed time of nine o'clock. She didn't even realize I had been going to sleep at this time ever since it had been my bedtime in kindergarten. So much for caring. After that my bed time was abolished and I learned to love the night life...and adultswim. It was also after this that I started taking naps. I had never taken naps as a kid, aside from when I was a baby and it was like, essential to take naps. But no bedtime meant I had to make up for the lost hours, so I usually conked out for an hour or so after school. It was also around this time that I started to have real trouble sleeping. I'm not sure if it was my mind over matter something. But I started pulling all nighters, even when I tried to sleep. There would literally be nights where I would lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, and crying because I couldn't get to sleep and I knew I had important things to do the next day. So for a while I kicked the naps, no matter how tired I felt after school, in hopes that I would feel more tired at night. It didn't work. Essentially, I'd like to think that I have insomnia. But that's not true, I can sleep, it's just that I nap. I always get tired during the day and sleep. At night I'm never tired (except for rare nights like these when I feel tired sooner, but that's prob because I woke at six this morning and only had a fifteen minute nap today) and if I do feel tired I can only sleep for a few hours at the most. It doesn't bother me much anymore, I don't cry because my body won't let me sleep. But sometimes it does get annoying, especially at things like sleepovers where everyone is dead asleep and I'm still wide awake, laying perfectly still and trying not to move because I think it'd be rude to wake everyone else up. All in all what I'd really like to do is go back in time and tell my eight year self not to ask for an abolition of bedtime, because of that I've had sleeping problems ever since.
In other things, I do feel tired, and I'm going to take this rare opportunity to blog a little and hit the hay. Hopefully I'll stay asleep for a while. Also, I think I just saw a UFO. Well, not saw, but felt. A few minutes ago there was this sound, like a really low flying plane, and it passed over the house. I was watching a Youtube video so I paused it and listened to it as the roaring faded away. But then the sound changed direction and seemed to be coming back. This seemed odd to me so I kept listening, and it did come back. This time it passed over the house, only it seemed lower this time. Whatever it was that was flying over pulled the same trick again, it flew away turned around and came back again. Only this time it was really low, the walls of the house shook, and I heard hitting on my window which I assumed to be the thumping tree branches of the tree right outside my window. I was kind of scared at this point so I glanced out my window as it slowly passed over. My curtains are pulled over my windows but they were bright, like some multicolored light was just outside of this. I'm not gonna lie, it scared me shitless and I was too frozen to move until I heard the sound completely disappear. That was about ten minutes ago, and now I think I should sleep before I get too paranoid and actually look outside or something (it doesn't help that my landlady is out of town and won't be back until tomorrow, it means I'm completely alone and really easy for aliens to abduct.)
And also, if you didn't notice, I gave up on BEDA halfway through. I'm a loser, no wonder aliens are after me.
-Keshia
In other things, I do feel tired, and I'm going to take this rare opportunity to blog a little and hit the hay. Hopefully I'll stay asleep for a while. Also, I think I just saw a UFO. Well, not saw, but felt. A few minutes ago there was this sound, like a really low flying plane, and it passed over the house. I was watching a Youtube video so I paused it and listened to it as the roaring faded away. But then the sound changed direction and seemed to be coming back. This seemed odd to me so I kept listening, and it did come back. This time it passed over the house, only it seemed lower this time. Whatever it was that was flying over pulled the same trick again, it flew away turned around and came back again. Only this time it was really low, the walls of the house shook, and I heard hitting on my window which I assumed to be the thumping tree branches of the tree right outside my window. I was kind of scared at this point so I glanced out my window as it slowly passed over. My curtains are pulled over my windows but they were bright, like some multicolored light was just outside of this. I'm not gonna lie, it scared me shitless and I was too frozen to move until I heard the sound completely disappear. That was about ten minutes ago, and now I think I should sleep before I get too paranoid and actually look outside or something (it doesn't help that my landlady is out of town and won't be back until tomorrow, it means I'm completely alone and really easy for aliens to abduct.)
And also, if you didn't notice, I gave up on BEDA halfway through. I'm a loser, no wonder aliens are after me.
-Keshia
Saturday, August 13, 2011
BEDA 13: To the Park!
Today I walked about twenty blocks, with various turns and stops, to find the Grande Avenue Park. This is a park along the waterfront in Everett. I felt like I should go there. I went to the park all the time in Alabama, several different ones actually. I've really been feeling park deprived up here in Washington. So my landlady gave me directions yesterday which I completely forgot when I started on my venture to the park this afternoon. Have I mentioned that I'm not very good with directions to begin with? Anyway, I eventually found this park but then I realized that from where I lived I could have followed the crossroad straight down to the park about eight blocks. All those turns and other things I had taken were a useless twelve blocks. But while I was at the park today I decided I would run to this park every morning. It's something I'm trying to do, to lose weight. But more than that I just want to be refreshed by a lovely park every morning. I also filmed a long and awkward vlog for my friend Kody while I was heading to the park. I'll probably add it up next week.
Well I'm tired,and it's only eight thirty. But this is good. If I wanna run to the park tommorow morning I'm going to have to wake up at 4 because I have to be at work at 7. Blah!
Fin.
Well I'm tired,and it's only eight thirty. But this is good. If I wanna run to the park tommorow morning I'm going to have to wake up at 4 because I have to be at work at 7. Blah!
Fin.
BEDA 12: Do you think about death?
Yesterday I went and saw Final Destination 5. For my own reason I'm always paranoid for a week after I watch the movies. Honestly, this movie was great. It replaced the first one as my second favorite (my first favorite is ans still is, the third one) and the twist in the end make sit so much more brilliant. I'm not telling anymore.
But really, sometime if wonder if death really does have things all planned out like that for us. Sometimes I think he does (I see death as a man, the Grim Reaper never really appeared to be a woman). I mean, though it is cool looking, I hardly doubt deaths plans involve things that are very brutal and cruel as in the movie. He honestly can't be that harsh. But sometimes I do wonder if death has plans. Well not death, God. If God knows our whole life, if he has everything planned out then he must have death planned out too, and does that, in a sense, make God death. I'm not sure...I shouldn't think about complicated things.
I really don't care how I die. I can die brutally, if that's what death or God wants, but if I die before I make some of my dreams come true, I sure am going to be pissed.
But really, sometime if wonder if death really does have things all planned out like that for us. Sometimes I think he does (I see death as a man, the Grim Reaper never really appeared to be a woman). I mean, though it is cool looking, I hardly doubt deaths plans involve things that are very brutal and cruel as in the movie. He honestly can't be that harsh. But sometimes I do wonder if death has plans. Well not death, God. If God knows our whole life, if he has everything planned out then he must have death planned out too, and does that, in a sense, make God death. I'm not sure...I shouldn't think about complicated things.
I really don't care how I die. I can die brutally, if that's what death or God wants, but if I die before I make some of my dreams come true, I sure am going to be pissed.
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