Panic Mode.

I am receding right now. Waning instead of waxing, or maybe the other way around.

I have this problem where if difficult things crop up I tend to panic. My panic can be anything toward screaming/crying/generally feeling the need to be outside or sometimes a combination of all three. Mostly the latest, because nothing can offset my panic more than just places. I feel so trapped, like one of those moths endlessy throwing itself in frenzied leaps at the light. I always need to get out, because if I don't, I'll become a moth. I always, in general, need to panic. To be honest a lot of my panic ensues because of money issues, then the next being friends/family situations, and the next probably being school. There's usually not much more I panic over, and just fyi, the family situations usually always come paired along with the money issues. Regardless of the situation, what combination of issues, what type of day it is, I always panic. I can count all the people who have caught me in these situations of panic on my hands, because I often panic and I mostly do it alone. I feel bad for these people, I feel bad for when I put them into situations, when they have to deal with a sobbing, often yelling, and itching to get outide Keshia. And it's strange how everyone reacts to my panic. I think, when you witness someone panic, you see a little bit more about them because of course they are vunarable. But I think what really shows who a person is how they react to panicking people, and while not a frequent public panicker, I have had some situations.

There are the talkers, who try to calm you down by working their way through the situaitons, offering you solutions of back alleys, they draw you out of the panic by giving you choices and trying to crank at the logical part of the brain rather than the emotional ones. There are the listeners, the one who are quiet, nod maybe, and just let all of your panic stream out and drown them. I've had these both.

I've had someone chase me outside and down the street when I was panicking and needed to be alone. I've had a perfect stranger rescue me from a mental breakdown outside the history building last year. I've had someone start panicking themselves when I panicked. I've had someone hit me when I panicked, shouted at me to calm down, because they can't handle it. I've had people tell me I'm immature, I'm too emotional, I'm terrible when I'm panicking....and somehow they're surprised when it only ensues more panic.

As hard as it is to believe as hard as it to see, I actually like my panic mode. Of course I don't like it as I'm doing it, but in the long run it really helps. Because the feeling I get afterwards, it helps that I was able to panic. And what I've learned is not matter who the people or how they choose to handle it, they never really effect it. It will happen regardless of them, it will happen no matter what they say to me, because otherwise I would just be a suicidal moth.

In short, what I'm trying to say is that I have feelings, and I feel like majority of my feelings are valid, including the panic. And unless I let it out, I'll never be able to recede.

Fin.