At eight years old I thought I would have done more with my
life by now. At eleven years I thought I would've had some things figured out
by now. At fifteen I thought I would have made some people proud by now, proud
of something that mattered. And now at twenty, I'm just confused. There was a
common pattern in my life, one where I have always no matter what, expected
more of myself. However it seems as the years have gone on my expectations have
only risen higher while the effort I put in has decreased.
The problem in being me is that I like to say that I'm
hardworking, that I'm going to make something of myself, that I'm not just going
to go through my life. I'm going to really live, right? But then I do nothing.
I just don't. So Keshia's the quite hypocrite, right? Who would have known? But
it's hard, because I really believe I'm this strong willed, determined person.
I really believe that I'm this person who can do things. But I can't. And it
depresses me. It makes me feel horrible how little I can actually do and how
much I should've have actually gotten done.
And I know there are people out there shouting, 'For God's
sake, you're only twenty, give yourself a break!' But I don't hear that. I hear
how pathetic it sounds, the 'only twenty' part. Yes, I am only twenty years old;
I haven't even lived on this planet for a quarter of a century. But that's just
it to me; people who do great things are young. Most of the time these things
are so great because people did them, they accomplished these things when they
were 'only just' something.
The thing is, there was a time two years ago when I had
several people calling me inspiring. And my whole time, I was like, what the
hell for? And if I had to consider it someway I guess I was 'inspiring' (even
though I am not in the least bit) because of the things I was going to do. But
guess what, its two years down the line and what have I done? What have I done?
Nothing. And some of those people, those same people who called me inspiring,
they have accomplished great things. They've become great, and I'm lucky if I even
manage to pull myself out of my bed with a positive attitude.
You see this is what I'm scared of. I'm scared of waking up
seventy-five years old someday and wondering where my life went, wondering why
I haven't done something significant. And the only thing I can think, that
older Keshia in her bed can think of, is because she didn't do it while she was
'only just'. She had her window, she saw how it looked. There was a field full
of flowers, all dancing in a wind that she could not feel. The sky was dark but
bright at the same time. There were all these multicolored stars, dancing and
rearranging themselves in the night sky. She looked out the window and she
didn't go out there. She just stared and stared and eventually all the flowers
died, all the stars stopped dancing, and the window closed.
Fin.
-Keshia
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