Are You Really?

As of late I've been having these moments where I think too much about my life. It's kind of like this. I always think, you're twenty years old, and what the fuck have you done? I amaze myself in my hypocritical ways all the time. I tell people I don't want just an ordinary life. Like really, my longtime goals are not to settle for normalcy at all.  I like to imagine myself as Belle from Beauty and the Beast a lot, you know the whole "I want adventure in the great wide somewhere" line? But what do you do Keshia? You get up and go to school, making A's in your classes and pretend it's something to be proud of. You work at a job where people probably don't really care for you. And you spend the rest of your time lost on the internet or in a book or in your writing. But do you really do anything?

It's all because of this. I have a bad habit of re-reading my old journals and thinking about what a little shit I was when I was younger. Sometimes I wish so badly to go back in time and just let myself know some of the things I know now. Maybe it would have fixed everything, made things so much easier for me. Or maybe it would have made things harder, made me too scared to live. The common theme, though, no matter what I think the results would be, are that I somehow contact my younger self. But what if it was the other way around. What if my younger self somehow got in contact with my older self? Imagine if fourteen year old me suddenly came across the journal of my twenty year old self? Would she be proud? I really think the answer is no. The person I was when I was fourteen is exponentially different than the person I am now. Hell, even the person I am from last year is exponentially different from the person I am know. And it's hard for outside people to see, I guess, but despite always being full of questions, I know a lot about how I am. And I know how different I am now. The thing about being a human being, every second of everyday you are a different person than the one you were before. Not just in thought, because every second, every thought is different, but even in body too. You take a different breathe; your heart beats a different beat. Everything is different. And time goes on. And there has never been a way made, not one, where you can contact your older or younger self. And everything is different, it really is. And I just can't imagine. If I had the chance to go back in time I know the exact speech I could give to my younger self. But as for what my younger self what say tot he me now, to what she would even think? I have no clue. 

Fin.

-Keshia