On Washington

"Maybe it was like gathering your strength and hurling yourself against a door you believed to be locked, and then the door easily opens-it wasn't locked at all-and you're standing looking in the room, trying to remember what it was that you thought you wanted."

That, my friends, is a quote from Curtis Sittenfeld, one of my favorite authors of all time. And that also describes my feelings about moving to Washington perfectly. I posted that quote as my FB status a month or so ago when I started to have doubts about Washington. No, let me rephrase, I had doubts about Washington long before that. My doubts started long before I even got on the plane and probably lodged themselves in my brain that night one week before I was leaving and I sat in my aunt and uncle's garage crying my eyes and asking my cousin what the hell I had done with my life.

I knew I chose Washington. It was my choice, I was just heavily misguided by the prospect of a easy and happy life. I  thought of the opportunity to get out of the big city and see somewhere new. It was kind of a glimmering idea. But I forgot that it was my life and it my life there was never an easy or happy ending. So I turned down my scholarships, my only means of going to college here in Alabama, and clung unto the promises of people who turned out to be liars. I was stupid.

So when things screwed up I knew I had to go to Washington. It was either that or take a year off from college. I have never wanted to take a year off from college, I couldn't imagine a life without some sort of education present in it everyday.

But the thing is, I was still excited. I knew it was going to be hard but I was excited. Who wouldn't be? I think the prospect of going to or seeing a new place would be exciting to any human being. It's just in our nerves, newness usually brings along the prospect of excitement.  So I left, I said goodbye to all my friends. I rode a place for the first time, saw a really big city, saw mountains up close and personal, found a job, and in general felt pretty great about myself. I was taking something that I thought would suck and turn it around. I felt like I was living my own life, a life of freedom where I had no one controlling me. I was independent, I loved it. But the thing is, it barely stayed that way. Three weeks, maximum, I'd have to say, three weeks before I started missing everything.

That's the thing about missing people, it's really hard. Some of my friends still talked to me, other forgot I existed, and some even decided they never wanted to talk to me again. But regardless of their choices I missed them all. And some of them let me know they missed me. I would tell them I missed them but somehow I don't think they really understood, though. You see while they said they missed me but at lest they had other people there, other friends they look to. I had no one. And I doubt I've ever made a huge impact on anyone's life, so I felt like half the time when people told me they missed me that they were telling me just to tell me. But I was there, thinking half the time, sitting at the bus stop with cars passing by me and and old guys on my left rambling on about how late the bus was. There was times like that when I could close my eyes, bend my head down , block everything else out and almost feel like I was in Alabama again. But then I'd have to open my eyes, and I wouldn't be in Alabama, I'd be in Washington with the same question always eating at my stomach, what the hell am I doing here?

That's when more problems presented themselves, and I think they did it at just the right time, just at the peak of my doubt. I didn't get along with my landlady, she made it very clear that she didn't like me and living with a person everyday that didn't like you isn't a very pleasant thing. So I started talking to people, my cousin Lisa specifically. Lisa lived in Olympia, about three miles away from my current home. She listened to my problems with my landlady and offered up her place. I could move there, but I'd have to take a semester off college. So I looked up colleges in her area and everything seemed like it may get a little better. I'd be moving in with someone familiar who wouldn't make me pay as many bills and who actually liked me. The only sacrifice would be to take a semester off from college. Let's go back to the point where I can't imagine my life without education. It seemed like a big sacrifice but I was willing to take it. In truth I was that lonely. It's terrible to admit but in those few months I had only two friends, TWO friends. I knew I wasn't good at making friends but it was hard. I'm shy, no matter how much people wanted to believe it. And even with those tow friends I knew I could never be as close to them as my old friends, they would never know me like the friends I had. It was the realization of that fact that made me realize how lonely I was in Washington. And loneliness like that, it's kind of crippling. You see, because even of you go through life with everything okay when you feel that lonely, and I've never felt that way my entire life,  then everything seems pointless. My friends are the reason for most of my happiness and I needed them.

So I thought, why take a semester off, why not take a whole year? I really didn't feel like starting college in the middle of the year anyway. So I talked to my aunt and uncle and made the arrangements and then bought a plane ticket. And now I'm back in Alabama. And people may not understand my reasoning, people may tell me I'm stupid for taking a year off or just whiny or something, but I don't care. You see the reason I went to Washington  the reason I made that mistake is because I let people influence me. So along with choosing to come back to Alabama I also decided I was going to make my own choices now. I'm not going to let other people make me ruin myself again.

And just to be clear, for all those who thought my prank was true, I am not moving back because I'm pregnant.

Fin.
-Keshia

(500) Days of Summer

Last Night I watched (500) Days of Summer for the first time. Even though I've never watched the movie before I've been obsessed with it. Why? And how is that possible? Well, basically the soundtrack for this movie is an indie music lover's dream. I love listening to the various songs from the soundtrack like Sweet Disposition, She's Got You High, or Sugartown. So yesterday I was sitting there and listening to one of the soundtracks as usual, and the song was playing off an music video of the movie, and wondering why I had never actually watched the movie. So I decided to watch it.

Let's just say, I'm hooked, I love the movie. And I have some thoughts on it. Even though the movie was seen mostly from Tom's perspective, and we're supposed to feel bad for him, all sappy and in love. I did feel bad for him, but I related more to Summer. In the movie the character of Summer believes love is a myth and that while you're young you shouldn't be held down and you should just have fun. I really get that. That's completely what I believe. I'm not sure at what point in this society that casual dating was eliminated but at some point it was. I mean, now a days you have to be labeled, are you a couple or not. What my "problem" is and I think Summer's was, was that with a label of couple of being in a relationship also comes the commitment. The idea of commitment to me is terrifying. I really can't imagine being with the same person for the rest of my life. I guess I haven't found that special person yet, heck, I'm eighteen, I hope not. But still, I think even in seven years or so the idea of being committed to someone will scare me. But I get her, I get Summer. In the end someone's emotions are going to be stronger than the other, it's always that way. And when they make those stronger emotions present it's either going to do one of two things, either a) scare the other person, make them feel uncomfortable, and put them on the spot to feel those emotions back or b) make them realize how much the other person cares and realize they don't feel those emotions yet but they will grow into them so they lie for the moment and wait. Very rarely do two people feel the same level of feeling toward each other. And when they do then that's fate, that's them being meant to be. But the hard part comes with keeping those emotions lasting forever, that's why commitment is such a bad thing, it tests people and most of the time people fail. Summer, like I myself, is in the option a territory. I've never felt that strongly about a person and if I learn they feel that way toward me then I just automatically feel uncomfortable. I mean, how can you handle a situation like that? Unless of course you find someone perfect who will understand but let's face the facts, humans are greedy and a person who is deeply infatuated just isn't going to understand why that infatuation isn't returned. For me the end result is usually me breaking up with a person because simply because they cared for me too much. And I know that's terrible, and I hurt people. And that's the exact opposite of what I want to do, I don't want to hurt people. That's why I hate relationships, that's why I want casual dating to come back again in this world. The words 'I love you' are really terrifying, you know.

Also, speaking of summer, the real summer, like the season, has gone by extremely fast this year. It's turning into fall already. I've never loved summer, in fact, it's typically my least favorite season. But this summer has gone by so fast that I feel like I missed it. I want it back. It has also been one of the least eventful summers of my entire life, which makes less sense. Isn't time supposed to fly by when you're having fun? Not when you're boring. I mean, other than moving thirteen states away I really haven't done anything this summer. I've worked, sat at home, or went to Hmart with Amanda. I want my summer back.

But right now I have a Mindy Gledhill playlist on and I'm going to finish listening to it and either nap or continue my earlier task. Fin.

-Keshia

I need my sleep but I'm too scared of UFO's...

Right now it's late, no it feels late. In reality it's only nine something. To an eight year old Keshia that would be infinitely late. To an eighteen year old Keshia it's early. I still remember the first time I asked my Mom if I could stay up pass my bed time of nine o'clock. She didn't even realize I had been going to sleep at this time ever since it had been my bedtime in kindergarten. So much for caring. After that my bed time was abolished and I learned to love the night life...and adultswim. It was also after this that I started taking naps. I had never taken naps as a kid, aside from when I was a baby and it was like, essential to take naps. But no bedtime meant I had to make up for the lost hours, so I usually conked out for an hour or so after school. It was also around this time that I started to have real trouble sleeping. I'm not sure if it was my mind over matter something. But I started pulling all nighters, even when I tried to sleep. There would literally be nights where I would lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, and crying because I couldn't get to sleep and I knew I had important things to do the next day. So for a while I kicked the naps, no matter how tired I felt after school, in hopes that I would feel more tired at night. It didn't work. Essentially, I'd like to think that I have insomnia. But that's not true, I can sleep, it's just that I nap. I always get tired during the day and sleep. At night I'm never tired (except for rare nights like these when I feel tired sooner, but that's prob because I woke at six this morning and only had a fifteen minute nap today) and if I do feel tired I can only sleep for a few hours at the most. It doesn't bother me much anymore, I don't cry because my body won't let me sleep. But sometimes it does get annoying, especially at things like sleepovers where everyone is dead asleep and I'm still wide awake, laying perfectly still and trying not to move because I think it'd be rude to wake everyone else up. All in all what I'd really like to do is go back in time and tell my eight year self not to ask for an abolition of bedtime, because of that I've had sleeping problems ever since.

In other things, I do feel tired, and I'm going to take this rare opportunity to blog a little and hit the hay. Hopefully I'll stay asleep for a while. Also, I think I just saw a UFO. Well, not saw, but felt. A few minutes ago there was this sound, like a really low flying plane, and it passed over the house. I was watching a Youtube video so I paused it and listened to it as the roaring faded away. But then the sound changed direction and seemed to be coming back. This seemed odd to me so I kept listening, and it did come back. This time it passed over the house, only it seemed lower this time. Whatever it was that was flying over pulled the same trick again, it flew away turned around and came back again. Only this time it was really low, the walls of the house shook, and I heard hitting on my window which I assumed to be the thumping tree branches of the tree right outside my window. I was kind of scared at this point so I glanced out my window as it slowly passed over. My curtains are pulled over my windows but they were bright, like some multicolored light was just outside of this. I'm not gonna lie, it scared me shitless and I was too frozen to move until I heard the sound completely disappear. That was about ten minutes ago, and now I think I should sleep before I get too paranoid and actually look outside or something (it doesn't help that my landlady is out of town and won't be back until tomorrow, it means I'm completely alone and really easy for aliens to abduct.)

And also, if you didn't notice, I gave up on BEDA halfway through. I'm a loser, no wonder aliens are after me.

-Keshia

BEDA 13: To the Park!

Today I walked about twenty blocks, with various turns and stops, to find the Grande Avenue Park. This is a park along the waterfront in Everett. I felt like I should go there. I went to the park all the time in Alabama, several different ones actually. I've really been feeling park deprived up here in Washington. So my landlady gave me directions yesterday which I completely forgot when I started on my venture to the park this afternoon. Have I mentioned that I'm not very good with directions to begin with? Anyway, I eventually found this park but then I realized that from where I lived I could have followed the crossroad straight down to the park about eight blocks. All those turns and other things I had taken were a useless twelve blocks. But while I was at the park today I decided I would run to this park every morning. It's something I'm trying to do, to lose weight. But more than that I just want to be refreshed by a lovely park every morning. I also filmed a long and awkward vlog for my friend Kody while I was heading to the park. I'll probably add it up next week.

Well I'm tired,and it's only eight thirty. But this is good. If I wanna run to the park tommorow morning I'm going to have to wake up at 4 because I have to be at work at 7. Blah!

Fin.

BEDA 12: Do you think about death?

Yesterday I went and saw Final Destination 5. For my own reason I'm always paranoid for a week after I watch the movies. Honestly, this movie was great. It replaced the first one as my second favorite (my first favorite is ans still is, the third one) and the twist in the end make sit so much more brilliant. I'm not telling anymore.
But really, sometime if wonder if death really does have things all planned out like that for us. Sometimes I think he does (I see death as a man, the Grim Reaper never really appeared to be a woman). I mean, though it is cool looking, I hardly doubt deaths plans involve things that are very brutal and cruel as in the movie. He honestly can't be that harsh. But sometimes I do wonder if death has plans. Well not death, God. If God knows our whole life, if he has everything planned out then he must have death planned out too, and does that, in a sense, make God death. I'm not sure...I shouldn't think about complicated things.

I really don't care how I die. I can die brutally, if that's what death or God wants, but if I die before I make some of my dreams come true, I sure am going to be pissed.

BEDA 9,10, and 11: I'm hungry right now..

So I realized I'm really terrible at this blog everyday in August thing. I mean, I honestly can't seem to keep up with a blog. It's also the fact that work gets all up in the way. I have such random shifts that it really bothers me, but once school starts it will settle down just fine. I can't wait until school, I'm a nerd, I admit. College thrills me, I'm so ready...I just need to purchase books first.

But as of current news, other than me working and sleeping a lot, here's what's happening....

I am currently hungry but my landlady is in the kitchen making about 60 brownies for a party at her friends. I know I can move perfectly around her to make my own food (hamburger helper tonight, FTW!) but I won't. I've never liked cooking while other people are there to witness it. It's not like I have to be alone, I don't mind if people are there I just have intense paranoia. I'm convinced people judge me everywhere, even in the kitchen while I'm cooking food for myself.
I'm also trying to edit through all my videos from ISA, right now a file is saving and that's why I choose to take the time to blog. Yipee! Tomorrow, probably, I'm going  to film a vlog about my thoughts on Harry Potter and it ending, all that jazz. It's probably going to be emotional and stupid but it's something I feel like I should do. The post date will be the 14th, one month after Harry Potter premiere.
 Also, tomorrow I'm going to go see the fifth final destination movie. Although The Final Destinaiton series is a bit played out in my head I can't help it. I've been a loyal Final Destination fan since the first movie (along with my sister Jeannie, who I'm going to see this with tommorow. There are these rare instances where Jeannie and I agree and have something in common, usually within the entertainment catergory. We are both avid fans of Final Destination, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and RENT.) I honestly think they should have stopped at the third movie, it was my favorite and it seemed the most instense to me. I absolutely hated the fourth one, even if part of the movie was shot in my hometown. But I'm still going to see the fifth one, there's just a kind of loyalty that lies in a person when they have a passion about a TV series or show. Such as the Buffy Reboot (that has been rumored to happen for the past year), even though I know it won't have the brilliant acting skills of Anthony Stewart Head, James Marsters, or Sarah Michelle Gellar, I'll probably still watch it.
I have the next two days off, this, I enjoy very much!
-Keshia

BEDA 8: Library.

The Everett Public Library is the one area where I can not be alone and yet still feel totally efficient. I hung out t the library a lot today. In fact I was there from about 12-4pm. I guess it takes a truly inane person to hang out at the library that long. It's always better when I have a spot that's to myself and more reclusive because if not I feel a little self conscious. I get fidgety and I have to get up and walk around even if I've already checked out the books I needed. but today was a good library day. I had a nice spot and could snack in peace.I caught up on a lot of journal writing and finished editing the first chapter of my book. I also check Never Have I Ever, the second in The Liar Game Series by Sara Shepard. They're coming out with a TV series based on but I don't honestly think I'll watch it because like the PLL TV, I don't have the time nor I care too much about the variation on the series. I mean, the show in itself is good, but I can't compare to the books at the same time. I also got Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld, my absolute favorite book in the world. My copy is still in Alabama, although I should get my stuff shipped here soon enough. I really needed Sittenfeld's words, she is a creative genius. I also check out a few more books and ate at Taco Bell afterward, I feel accomplished.