Just thoughts.

I have this theory that because I'm so upset now and have been off and on for several years now I'm not going to have a mid-life crisis. Because those are essentially people who go through life normally and finally have some kind of realization of how fucked up their life is when they reach a certain age. But for the people who are depressed a lot, for the kids who started hating themselves when they were young and who continued to into their young adult years, I think they can get better. I really think I can get better. I really do. I mean, I've been like this for 12+ years now but I think I'm growing out of it. It seems so horrible now because the emotions are so horrible and vivid and true and right now. It's really hard to go back to when I was eight years old and try to just feel the emotions I felt when I decided my whole family hated me and it wasn't worth living anymore. It's hard to think back to my middle school self on the Pride Night Dance sobbing my eyes out in the bathroom. I can't bring myself to think of what it was like in high school and my friends basically told me I was a piece of shit and I just didn't know what to do besides cry and beg for their forgiveness. It's hard to bring myself back to Washington, being so excluded that even talking on the phone was a big fucking deal. And then there's the beginning of the school year when one of my closest friends decided he wasn't going to talk to me anymore and when all my other friends suddenly made new friends and left me behind. Fuck, I can't even think back to a few months ago when I was so messed up I engaged in self harming again, something I hadn't done since I was that sobbing fourteen year old girl in the bathroom. But it feels so strong now. The presence is so much rougher and harsher than just memories. But it's odd, because I feel like after every time something happens I feel better. The relief I feel, the happiness that comes after these depressive stages is better. And I'm somehow stronger every time too. Like, I can make them last shorter amounts of time; I can talk myself out of self harming. I am getting stronger. And one day I hope, I can get fully better. Which is why I think this mid-life crisis thing won't happen to me. I've already had all this shit it my life, if I ever do get rid of it I see no fucking reason why I would ever even allow it to seep back.

And this is not saying that people who aren't depressed in this age are definitely going to have a mid life crisis. I'm just saying it's more likely. But there are some people, I know, who can go through life being perfectly content for most of it. I envy these people; no one should ever have to feel this.

And fuck, I'm not even really sad right now. It's just that I can smile and be happy and worry and be sad. Everything is good, nothing is too terrible. But I come home every night and listen to sad music, watch sad scenes, I cry almost every day for no particular reason at all. And I don't know much why.

Fin.

-Keshia