Yep, the sky had lightening....

I was supposed to write every other day, that obviously didn't happen. I skipped two days, on Saturday I'm blogging again. You will be organized Keshia!!! I'm trying to push myself, but really I want to be organized. But at the same time I feel like I just want to be lazy, SUPER LAZY, until I get to Washington.

I really think it's amazing how a few things can change my all day long bad mood into something different.....uggh, not much to blog about today.

"Anything is possible, just seize the day. Disheartened dreams and past mistakes are buried in yesterday."

I'm getting a tattoo soon, I'm thinking of getting a small word, "free" on my wrist.

Crazy? Excited? Lady Gaga?

So I'm going to attempt to post in my blog at least every other day. It seems like a way I can do things, even when my life isn't even relatively interesting I can ramble on about things. I guess...mostly I'll prob summarize my journal (yes a real life notebook journal that I write in pratically everyday) entries...

Blah...that's all I kind of had to say.

I watched a Lady Gaga interview today, I love her :)

AHHHHH!!!!

So I haven't posted in here in a while, I kind of never really do but I need to. It keeps my writing skills up to par and I really care alot about them, but I already have alot of writing that I do. Let's see; fanficitons, rough drafts for future novels, typing up novels for inkpop, reviews on inkpop, blogging via makup blog, this blog, and not to mention my own personal journal that I spaz about if I don't write in everyday. But this is what I do, it's so much fun. If it wasn't for the fact that I was so scared about being a broke bum the rest of my life I would make creative writing my major. But alas, there is a sensible part of me who has just about much strength as the writer part of me. And besides, English education is something that goes right along with creative writing and it give me the chance to travel. I'm so ready to be an English teacher in different countries (after I get my degree, that is.)

So what has happened since I last blogged, let's see; um, I went to Disneyworld, got into a huge fight with a group of friends, finished high school, put on the Brownie Awards, moved out of my house, and graduate from high school. And this, my friends, is why this blog is titled "AHHHHH!!!!!" Let's just say I've been under so much stress lately that I've been to the point of literally yearning to rip out my own hair and go hide under a rock. I hate emotions, I literally hate showing them in any way, shape, or form. I'm a person who is extremely sentimental but can't stand emotions. They are stupid and make us weak. I really wish I could be a stone wall all the time. This is why I do theatre, I show my emotions through acting and leave my real self be. But I haven't been successful in hiding my emotions. I have literally sobbed about something everyday for the past ten days; ranging from the important, unimportant, and crying for no reason at all. Right now it's about ten forty five and yep, I've already sobbed like a baby today. I hate that I'm so weak, it really peeves me off that I can't be a stronger person.

And to think, none of this is because of graduating. Graduation is supposed to be something bittersweet, but I have been so surrounded by so much other stress that graduation was barely a blip on the map. I graduated Wednesday, two days ago, and I haven't even cared. I mean, it wasn't the butterflies in my stomach, rush of emotion kind of thing it was supposed to be. Graduation is the only thing I've managed to be a stone wall about, but of course I'm sure it's because graduating isn't really that big of a deal! It was just sitting there for a long time and then thinking I sound like a T-Rex as I cluncked my way across the stage to get my diploma. Which wasn't even my real diploma, btw, just the folder to put it in. We don't get our real diplomas until June 1st.

Now Disney World, on the other hand, did resonate something in me. I'm such a Disney freak, I can't help it. I wanted to take a picture with every character and see every show. I wanted to do everything Disney had to offer. The Wishes fireworks show gave me major goosebumps, along with Fantasmic. While in Disney I found something that helped me with my love of Disney world, there is a paid Disney internship, where you can work at Disney and take college classes at the same time. They take Education students, along with alot of other students. I looked into the program and I'm really thinking about doing it. Possibly next year, idk, I just want to be in Disney all the time. It was such a brief escape from my stressful life. Disney can you please be the magical rock I hide underneath?

However after Disney I was dragged back to the real world and the harshness of people that I thought were my friends. I really don't feel like going into details here, other than the fact that I now trust some people and other people will never be the same in my eyes. I won't be speaking to them after I move to Washington.

And now let me bore you for one last paragraph, about the Brownie Awards. Let's just say I feel like the Brownie Awards was my rightful graduation. It was such an emotional night for me, even though I didn't want it to be. I really tried to resist the urge to cry. I tried to hide behind the curtains, away from the people I knew for a fact would make me cry, but Teila wouldn't have any of it. She dragged me back, along with the help of Sheila who actually tracked me down behind the curtains to give me a hug. I love so many people in the drama group so much, they are basically my family. I don't want to say goodbye to any of them. And then, I really did sob like a baby, but it was okay because I was mostly hidden. One of those friends who I'm going to miss like crazy was having a private (by this I mean we were backtsage and mostly out of sight) conversation with me and he told me he feels bad for anyone who meets me but never really gets to know me because they are missing out of knowing one of the most incredible people ever. God, he pulled a switch, it was a good ten minute before I stopped hyperventilating from crying so much.

But other than that, I moved out, I'm still super stressed and I kind of wish June 6th was here already. Ah, this entry was way to long. I'll write at least once a week form now on as not to bore anyone (although I'm sure about three people read this) to tears.

Fin!

Hakuna Matata

Someone told me today that I need to live by Hakuna Matata. Did I mention this was a someone that I like and for some reason this person always sees me better than I see myself....

But the thing is, I AM A FAIL! And I can't live my life Hakuna Matata. Maybe when it comes to love, relationships, and all that jazz I can but not when it comes to my friends. I've complained much too much about this, I care too much about my friends opinions. And I care vastly too much about those who I look up to. When they're dissapointed in me then I just fee like I'm sinking back into middle school Keshia. Man, I hated her. I never want to meet her again.

So, I'm sorry cute guy. You are so nice, and even today when I felt like crap you cheered me up automatically, but I can't follow your policy of Hakuna Matata. It seems impossible for someone like me, and I admire you so much because you can.

Goodbye for today :)

I have this feeling....

That I should never post again when I'm angry. I vow to never write anything (except for in my journal) when I'm angry again. Now, having done this, I'm going to go fix food.

Emotion

It seems that everyone here on blogger only blogs when they are full of some emotion. I'm pissed, I'm sad, I'm super happy. I feel like I'm the only person who blogs when their life is blah...that's the only time I can get thoughts to progress one after another....and I truly give you a blog. Or I write down one liners to try to sum up my day. So today, or tonight, or this morning...it's 3 in the morning, I have school tomorrow and I just wrote a five page research paper in one hour. What do you call that time? Anyways, right now in this current moment I present emotion!

Pissed: Someone, and I know I can say names here because they don't follow me (Thank God!)--but I won't, is an idiot. No, let me rephrase, a whole family is an idiot (yes,they're only intelligent enough to be one full idiot). But specifically the Mom, the "Ms. I'm a big super Christian who can talk trash about anyone I want to and ignore the faults of my children because they're just such angels." First off, let me begin...I have a youtube channel. It's my own personal channel, it's what I do for fun. I can say whatever the hell I want. Now if I make a comment in one of my videos about how much of a douche bag your child is, then first off) it's my video, what are you going to do about it bitch? And second) You wanna know why your child is a douche bag? Because you're an overbearing overprotective mother who likes to fight theirs child's battles for them and won't give them space to grow up. Maybe if you rip them off the tit every now and then, than they will be able to grow up and see the error of they're ways. But no, you're gonna keep telling them how good they are. So please, please stop talking stuff about me. Really? How fucking immature can you get??? Okay your child posted a picture, a thing that's automated. I came in 4th place on their "Top friends of all time" because at one point we were good friends. So don't say any damn thing like; "What's #4 doing on your profile so much, she gonna make another video?" How dumb can you be, it's fucking automated!!! And video, why do you think I blocked you from my damn youtube channel? Oh and the "I can make a video too," comment. What are you gonna say? Nothing you can say will bother me because unlike you I have confidence in myself to do not FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOUR OPINIONS! Do you know how much I want to write back and tell you off and reveal you for the asanine (I'm sure you don't even know what this word means) person you are? But I won't, I'm being mature. I'm note posting anything on FB, or any video talking about you. Instead I'm just ranting on my blog, where hardly no ones here, but even then I'm not mentioning you name. But I do have a message I wish you could read: GROW UP! Get a real life, instead forcing yourself into your child's life, and leave me the fuck alone! Do you know how glad I am that I'm moving to Washington? I can't wait to get away from trash like you.

I need to hire an elf

I swear, I need to hire an elf, or something. I need somebody that comes over to my house during school breaks and pesters me every five minutes until I do my work. I HATE school holidays, they give me the feeling of being of LSD. Espicially Spring Break, it has to be the worst. It's like a mini summer and because it's Spring Break you feel like you need to do things, such as go to the beach. FYI, I hate the beach. Have I gone to the beach? Yes. Have I done my school work? No. The only the even sort of productive things I've managed to do over this Spring Break are clean my room and film a few beauty videos. But I still need to write two research papers, do six pages in my French workbook, type up three chapters for my fanfics, and write 100 pages in my rough draft of my next novel. Not to mention, my room is messy again. Originally I was supposed to go with a big group of friends to the beach tomorrow but more than half of them backed out so the huge group turned into about five people...now I just feel like canceling the whole thing. In all honesty, I'd be perfectly fine sitting at home all day and doing my work. I'm a mega homebody, I love sitting at home. But I'm a person who gives into peer pressure too easily. My friends are doing things and I feel like I need to do things too. Facebook is murder, I mean why do people keep posting statuses about how they feel like a loser because they have nothing to do that day. Is there anything wrong with actually relaxing on Spring Break.....and doing your work.

Blah!

I'm just grumpy because I feel like crap because I've been traveling all day. I stayed at Marina's last night, awoke at 6 this morning, got into her truck and drove to Mississippi for her to audition for college band. We got there like two hours early so we drove around, searching for Walmart to kill time. Mrs. Marcia passed Walmart and didn't notice until about 20 miles past it. Now have I ever said, or even mentioned, how much I friggin hate driving around in a vehicle all day. I've never liked it, even when I was young. I think my breaking is usually about two hours in a car, after that I just can't stand it anymore. I feel car sick, I get cramped, I get sleepy, I try to sleep, and when I wake up I can always feel a headache coming on. Plus the whole time the sun is always too friggin bright! On the way home Mrs. Marcia took us on the scenic route, where we got to see awesome beaches in Gulfport and Boloxi, and she talked about her in high school. She had so much more freedom than us. I apprieciated it and it was really cool to see but the 'scenic route' took twice as long to get home. More time in a car means more time to form a grumpy Keshia. I tried not to complain, although I prob. did complain too much but it all honesty I could have complained alot more. I like to think I'm more respectable in front of my friends parents. As opposed to with my Mom, if she took me on this journey that we went on today I would have been whining for about the first hour on...now I'm just so tired, which makes no sense because for 90% of the day I just sat in a car. How does it tire me out?

And Marina, she made Perk band and won a 12,438 dollar scholarship. It makes me so proud...and a little jealous. I got to see most of her campus today and I definitly approve of it. But it still makes me a little uneasy, even though she's my best friend and I have lived with her for three months before I know she's not as an independent person as me. Not that she can't take care of herself, I know she can...she just seems like she need people. I can't imagine Marina alone, without people, without me. It'd odd, I can completely imagine myself without her. I'm gonna be totally lonely and spastic, I swear, in Washington there are gonna be a few moments where I might just scream. But I guess I'm supposed to worry for her, she is my best freind. But I am so proud of her. And now I don't have to hear her complain about how much college costs anymore :P