Well of Memories.

I'm seriously one of those people who is sentimental to an annoying point. I'll shove cameras in your face and remember all your words, quoting them later one in my writing. The other day I was cleaning out some bins and refused to through out old calenders because I can imagine looking back at the little notes I wrote on them years later. I have a ridiculous amount of things I keep for no real reason; nearly half my possessions in my life are things I keep for sentimental value. Sometimes it all seems dumb and stupid and horrible.

Even this blog is something sentimental, for some years I write a lot and some years I write less, but there is always the existence. I can go back and look at older entries whenever I want. In fact, right now, I think it's been about four years since I started this account. And I even have older blogs, things kept on older websites, full or typos and shouting about anime (I'm still not done shouting about anime btw). Sometimes I forget, sometimes I look back at all this shit I have and think I'm pathetic. No one will remember me, so why am I trying so desperately to remember myself? Isn't it really this self-centered epidemic?

But the thing is, it helps. It helps to see where I've been, it helps to remind myself that I made it through things, and that I can continue to make it through things. And I don't know, I've hardly posted in here this year, the amount of Youtube videos I make has greatly dwindled, but it still doesn't mean I'm not striving to remember. And I think somehow to compensate, I've taken a lot more pictures this year, they seem easier, not so personal. But I'm kind of just craving that personal and trying to figure out when I got too damned scared to post anything anymore. I just had to remember how it helps.

12.26.10
"I hate myself for being selfish."

10.16.11
"You're stupid, a failure, not smart enough to get anywhere in this world. A selfish bitch."

12.21.12
"I don't know. I can feel it, but I don't know the feeling. It's there, pushing on me like a heavy stone, harder and harder and harder."

10.07.13
"I think about how I get uglier and uglier everyday. About how I take all these damn photos for no real reason."

And now, how about one for today. I'm happy. I'm okay with writing, I'm okay with taking videos and pictures. I made it through a lot, everything I was writing about in those blog entries quoted above, and more. And I'm glad to know it happened, glad to know that I can go back and assure myself, yes this was real and you're still breathing Keshia. Keep breathing. 

Fin. 
-Keshia