Keshia's Booklist: If I Stay by Gayle Forman

Something new I'm starting, I'm going to do book reviews here because I read so darn much I might as well do something with it.

If I Stay is a powerful book about a musically inclined seventeen year old girl, Mia, who has just been in an accident that killed her whole family and left her non-feeling spirit to decide whether she wants to live by staying or die.

My initial reaction to the book was not very positive. You are thrown into the life of Mia, who seems to have everything going for her; loving parents and almost spot in Julliard for her and her cello. The only problem seems to be the seperation from her boyfriend, Adam, and his rise to stardom in his punk 'emo-core' band Shooting Star. I thought, oh, this is going to be one of those love stories where the couple has to overcome the obstacle of seperation and continue to stay in love. This did not elate me, not that I don't like those stories, I've just gotten burnt out on them latelty. Too much of Sarah Dessen XP

But the story took a really surprising change. Mia and her family get in a car accident, instantly killing her Mom and Dad. I've read a few car crash scenes, I've even written one before, but the crash scene in this story is simply brilliant. In the first few pages Mia discusses how she plays the cello and is classic music fanatic. She describes the car crash as a symphony, all colliding parts and crashing elements. Even though it is something quite horrible I saw it as beautiful. I think that Mia seeing her dead parents was done quite tastefully, without the right out descriptions of blood and gore and yet you could see the horrific scenes; they're battered bodies.

As her body is moved to the hospital I finally realized that Mia was having an outer body experience. I'm slow and I didn't realize this. The rest of the book switches from flashbacks of Mia's past to her in present time, following her body which rests in a comatose state. Throughout the flashbacks I feel like Mia's parents come to life. Even though I know they are dead, both of them lifeless within the first few pages. But yet, through her memories the reader gets to see them. Her understanding and strong mother who can be a bit of a 'bitch.' And her father, former punk band guitarist and now English teacher. Mia feels like she is a black sheep in the family, while everyone is into the 'punk' scene Mia throws herself into her cello practice and classic music. But while she feels almost left out I'm quite jealous of the loving family atmosphere they have. They are always encouraging her. The connection to her friend Kim is great. They don't seem to have the "we're best freinds forever" girly and typical teenage atttitude about it. Mostly they seem to be there for each other, even if opposite. Plus their fight, and how they became friends after it, was priceless.

In her memories we find that she was coming down to two choices in her life. Her love of music or her love of Adam. The relationship in this book was great, a brilliant one that should be looked up to. Mia and Adam aren't the teenage couple who are all mushy gushy and think they're in love but aren't. They're really in love, I think Forman did a great job here. The words, their understanding of each, and how much they try for each other shows their love. And also, her passion with music. In this book music plays a big part of it, every character seems to be linked to her in some way due to music. It's hard to understand the feeling, the passion for music unless you're actually a musician yourself. I can completly understand Mia in this sense. But even for those who aren't musicians, I think they can still feel Mia's passion--how she and her cello are one. And in the end it's music that makes Mia come back and decide to stay.

Overall I think this was one hell of a book. I'm probably going to pick up my own copy the next time I go to the bookstore. I love the way it delves into human emotion, it's compelling and it really makes the reader think. I mean, what would you do if you had the choice to live or die when it seems you have nothing more to live for?

So, I'm actually busy...

For the first time in a long time I can actually say I'm busy. I mean busy as in the way where most of my time isn't spent dancing around my room with music blasting and me claiming to be busy. I've moved into my own house now. I love it, I really do. I feel like an adult. Some people would crack under the pressure of responsibility, suddenly having all of these things to handle, and yet I'm not. I relish in it. I think I was always built for an independent life, I always felt like I was. I mean, there has to be some explanation  to why I love being alone. And now I don't have ot worry about anyone judging me, espicially not Mom. I feel so much freedom now that I'm out of her grasps.

I've done so much in Washington. It's amazing that I've only been here for two weeks and I've already done so much. In general I really don't feel like explaining, I mean, no one much cares about my life in detail. Who reads this blog anyways? Mostly I just love life right now. Happiness in Pursuit, thank you Thomas Jefferson.

Noted.

I've been in Washington since monday now, I've literally been running around the city from morning to night. There's so much stuff you have to do when you move to a new state. But mostly, I love it here. I know that's not very descriptive, I'm being brief. Right now I'm sitting in the Everett Public Library (this place has literally become my second home, I've hung out here everyday since I've gotten here) and I feel like my typing is annoying. There are people sitting all around me with laptops but not a single one is typing, or they have alln perfected a method of typing that isn't as noisy as mine. I'll write more stuff later...mostly this is to let you know I'm here, in Washington and I love it.

Yep, the sky had lightening....

I was supposed to write every other day, that obviously didn't happen. I skipped two days, on Saturday I'm blogging again. You will be organized Keshia!!! I'm trying to push myself, but really I want to be organized. But at the same time I feel like I just want to be lazy, SUPER LAZY, until I get to Washington.

I really think it's amazing how a few things can change my all day long bad mood into something different.....uggh, not much to blog about today.

"Anything is possible, just seize the day. Disheartened dreams and past mistakes are buried in yesterday."

I'm getting a tattoo soon, I'm thinking of getting a small word, "free" on my wrist.

Crazy? Excited? Lady Gaga?

So I'm going to attempt to post in my blog at least every other day. It seems like a way I can do things, even when my life isn't even relatively interesting I can ramble on about things. I guess...mostly I'll prob summarize my journal (yes a real life notebook journal that I write in pratically everyday) entries...

Blah...that's all I kind of had to say.

I watched a Lady Gaga interview today, I love her :)

AHHHHH!!!!

So I haven't posted in here in a while, I kind of never really do but I need to. It keeps my writing skills up to par and I really care alot about them, but I already have alot of writing that I do. Let's see; fanficitons, rough drafts for future novels, typing up novels for inkpop, reviews on inkpop, blogging via makup blog, this blog, and not to mention my own personal journal that I spaz about if I don't write in everyday. But this is what I do, it's so much fun. If it wasn't for the fact that I was so scared about being a broke bum the rest of my life I would make creative writing my major. But alas, there is a sensible part of me who has just about much strength as the writer part of me. And besides, English education is something that goes right along with creative writing and it give me the chance to travel. I'm so ready to be an English teacher in different countries (after I get my degree, that is.)

So what has happened since I last blogged, let's see; um, I went to Disneyworld, got into a huge fight with a group of friends, finished high school, put on the Brownie Awards, moved out of my house, and graduate from high school. And this, my friends, is why this blog is titled "AHHHHH!!!!!" Let's just say I've been under so much stress lately that I've been to the point of literally yearning to rip out my own hair and go hide under a rock. I hate emotions, I literally hate showing them in any way, shape, or form. I'm a person who is extremely sentimental but can't stand emotions. They are stupid and make us weak. I really wish I could be a stone wall all the time. This is why I do theatre, I show my emotions through acting and leave my real self be. But I haven't been successful in hiding my emotions. I have literally sobbed about something everyday for the past ten days; ranging from the important, unimportant, and crying for no reason at all. Right now it's about ten forty five and yep, I've already sobbed like a baby today. I hate that I'm so weak, it really peeves me off that I can't be a stronger person.

And to think, none of this is because of graduating. Graduation is supposed to be something bittersweet, but I have been so surrounded by so much other stress that graduation was barely a blip on the map. I graduated Wednesday, two days ago, and I haven't even cared. I mean, it wasn't the butterflies in my stomach, rush of emotion kind of thing it was supposed to be. Graduation is the only thing I've managed to be a stone wall about, but of course I'm sure it's because graduating isn't really that big of a deal! It was just sitting there for a long time and then thinking I sound like a T-Rex as I cluncked my way across the stage to get my diploma. Which wasn't even my real diploma, btw, just the folder to put it in. We don't get our real diplomas until June 1st.

Now Disney World, on the other hand, did resonate something in me. I'm such a Disney freak, I can't help it. I wanted to take a picture with every character and see every show. I wanted to do everything Disney had to offer. The Wishes fireworks show gave me major goosebumps, along with Fantasmic. While in Disney I found something that helped me with my love of Disney world, there is a paid Disney internship, where you can work at Disney and take college classes at the same time. They take Education students, along with alot of other students. I looked into the program and I'm really thinking about doing it. Possibly next year, idk, I just want to be in Disney all the time. It was such a brief escape from my stressful life. Disney can you please be the magical rock I hide underneath?

However after Disney I was dragged back to the real world and the harshness of people that I thought were my friends. I really don't feel like going into details here, other than the fact that I now trust some people and other people will never be the same in my eyes. I won't be speaking to them after I move to Washington.

And now let me bore you for one last paragraph, about the Brownie Awards. Let's just say I feel like the Brownie Awards was my rightful graduation. It was such an emotional night for me, even though I didn't want it to be. I really tried to resist the urge to cry. I tried to hide behind the curtains, away from the people I knew for a fact would make me cry, but Teila wouldn't have any of it. She dragged me back, along with the help of Sheila who actually tracked me down behind the curtains to give me a hug. I love so many people in the drama group so much, they are basically my family. I don't want to say goodbye to any of them. And then, I really did sob like a baby, but it was okay because I was mostly hidden. One of those friends who I'm going to miss like crazy was having a private (by this I mean we were backtsage and mostly out of sight) conversation with me and he told me he feels bad for anyone who meets me but never really gets to know me because they are missing out of knowing one of the most incredible people ever. God, he pulled a switch, it was a good ten minute before I stopped hyperventilating from crying so much.

But other than that, I moved out, I'm still super stressed and I kind of wish June 6th was here already. Ah, this entry was way to long. I'll write at least once a week form now on as not to bore anyone (although I'm sure about three people read this) to tears.

Fin!

Hakuna Matata

Someone told me today that I need to live by Hakuna Matata. Did I mention this was a someone that I like and for some reason this person always sees me better than I see myself....

But the thing is, I AM A FAIL! And I can't live my life Hakuna Matata. Maybe when it comes to love, relationships, and all that jazz I can but not when it comes to my friends. I've complained much too much about this, I care too much about my friends opinions. And I care vastly too much about those who I look up to. When they're dissapointed in me then I just fee like I'm sinking back into middle school Keshia. Man, I hated her. I never want to meet her again.

So, I'm sorry cute guy. You are so nice, and even today when I felt like crap you cheered me up automatically, but I can't follow your policy of Hakuna Matata. It seems impossible for someone like me, and I admire you so much because you can.

Goodbye for today :)